While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
This is strange. Usually Tali’Zorah launches the conversation in any number of interesting directions, each more compelling than the one before it: should we fight the Geth? can we trust Cerberus? may I unzip my space blouse?
Today, we’re happy to reveal the latest trailer from BioWare: a seven-hour compilation of scenes from Mass Effect 2, including epic space battles, passionate interstellar lovemaking, and over fifty minutes of a player taking a prolonged cigarette break / phone call with a prying mother.
The old dwarf Billford reaches deep beneath Estragos’s outstretched wing and pulls out a small amber ring. He holds it up to the sun, squeezing his left eye shut. “It will instill fury in your heart,” he grumbles, “and protect thyself from scalding hot flame. It also appears to make your horses run slightly faster.” A silent moment passes, and everyone in the clan raises their hand.This is going to take all day.
“This is not how we wanted to shoot my cover image, and you know … there were a lot more photos we wanted to shoot, maybe some where I smile or growl or somethin’, but we won’t be able to accomplish that because, wherever I go, this fly keeps landing in my eye… makes it sort of look like I’m crying,” said Tebow. “Can you imagine? Me? Crying? Like a baby?”
The team delighted in watching the outraged maws of the internet snap endlessly. It’s the only thing that gives them any pleasure anymore; they couldn’t get enough of watching commentators react poorly to their stunts, and, in reacting, doing exactly what the stunt intended for them to do. It was better than sex.
“I’d say it’s a sun stain, like an effect from exposure,” said Seabald, confused and distraught about the damage done to his box cover. “But I can’t remember the last time we brought this thing out for a party. I imagine it’s just been sitting in the dark the last five years.”
“Seriously, honey, this would be a really fun way for us to spend a little more time together, if you’d just take it seriously. I mean, think how nice it would be if you were really great at Rock Band. And, I think, with a lot more practice, you could be. But you’re going to need a lot more work before you get there. A lot. So… Maybe while I’m out at the bar on Sunday, you should do that.”
When the dust has settled, the end boss is the size of a skyscraper, with glowing orbs of every color circling around him. He is a naked, platinum God, draped in symbols with the faces of lions and snakes. Our hero brushes the dust off her leather pants and says something disparaging. How is she supposed to take down an enemy a thousand times her size? One shoe at a time!
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
The man, who looks to be around fifty years old, has ratty bleached hair and large scar across his right cheek. He is trying to collect enough change to print his own version of the Bible.
1. Professor Layton and the Curious Shire
2. Cooking Mama: Turkish Kebab
3. Guitar Hero: British Empire Tour
4. Call of Duty: Maginal Line
5. Civilization: Apartheid
But this past Wednesday morning, a local young man, Guybrush Thriftweed launched a surprise one man attack on the ship, overcoming the pirates using nothing more than a monocle, a manila envelope, some parrot chow and a temporary library card.
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.