While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
Rapper Kanye West, who performed with the creature, said on his blog, “DID U SEE THAT SH!T @ THE GRAMMYS?!?! SPORE WAS IN THE BUILDING!” Lil Wayne, another guest performer, is believed to have written the whole thing off as a bizarre Sizzurp-induced hallucination.
Before you can explain to him that he’s ruining your fun by disappearing for twenty minutes at a time, he is already gone – probably in the other room taking a massive hit off a gravity bong or something.
But this past Wednesday morning, a local young man, Guybrush Thriftweed launched a surprise one man attack on the ship, overcoming the pirates using nothing more than a monocle, a manila envelope, some parrot chow and a temporary library card.
“Here is a richly detailed visual representation of our nation’s crumbling financial infrastructure,” said the President, pointing to a slide. “Now, if we zoom in here… You see the area? This blinky spot right here. That’s where we need to stab it.”
Activision’s CEO, Bobby Kotick, has been outspoken about the game’s ability to channel the human desire to be a C-list celebrity. “The cheap booze, the empty flings, the economy class flights—these are the things gamers want to experience. Guitar Has Been provides them without the STDs, years of parental failure or crippling shame of bankruptcy.
In a can’t-miss hour of television, the normally taciturn Kirby opens up to Charlie before devouring him and the entire production staff in a grisly display of sheer gluttony. Having absorbed their skills, Kirby continues the interview by himself while simultaneously running the cameras and calling the shots from the booth.
HC: Oh. Well, did they get anything right?
T: Yes, one thing. John Madden said the same four things over and over for three hours, and I didn’t recognize a single person on the field.
He was splayed over a bus stop bench, an assortment of canteens around him. On his back was a knapsack made out of what looked to be the skin of a cat or a dog. Zoey recognized him immediately. “Wait a second. Isn’t that the guy from Man vs. Wild?” she asked. “I swear that’s him. Bear something.”
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
The man, who looks to be around fifty years old, has ratty bleached hair and large scar across his right cheek. He is trying to collect enough change to print his own version of the Bible.
An elderly man ran the red light outside my post office at 11:17 this morning. I followed the elderly gentleman through a red light, and used my Cavalcade FXT to force his Blista Compact into Middle Park Lake. I have reason to believe the man drowned, because I held his face under water until his body went limp.
“I remember strapping on the iron boots, sinking to the bottom of Lake Hyrule, and solving a bunch of complicated puzzles that had to do with raising the water levels so that I could get to this and that,” the ageless Hylian says with a sad smile. “I just don’t remember exactly how I figured it out.”
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.