While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
Mr. Forstall added to the announcement, “From GTA IVto Resident Evil 5, we live in a world that depends on downloadable content. And when this technology moved to the iPhone, we wanted to make sure we captured it at its most awful and vapid.”
“We’ve been looking for a fresh mascot for some time,” says Nintendo of America’s President, Reggie Fils-Aime, continuing, “We believe Slater captures the modern Nintendo spirit. Women love him. Men remember when he was cool. Children find him totally irrelevant.”
After announcing that he is “on the cheer squad” and wears “lots of lipstick and perfume and stuff” to his teammates, he was overjoyed to find that he is killed half as often and even gifted with superior weapons by server administrators.
“We kind of just sat in bed, wondering what was missing. Then it hit me,” Chad recalled, “we haven’t had sex without a video game menu lighting up the room for, I don’t know, two years now. So I blew out the candle, fired up God of War, and we went at it like bunny rabbits.”
LEVINE: You see, we looked at the Big Daddies from BioShock and felt that while they were intimidating, exciting enemies, they weren’t emotionally crippling in the way my sister Julie was. So we developed this new kind of boss, which emasculates you in front of your first prom date.
“It took me a decade to get those jerks off of my server,” said Mr. Goodings. “My character, Darzurian Peacekiller, is a mad wizard who was out to conquer Norrath, so it only makes sense that from day one he would be trying get rid of anyone who wasn’t willing to cave to his incredibly selfish demands.”
Berkman’s home theatre centerpiece is his game collection, made up of first-person shooter franchises and a WiiFit, which he claims belongs to his girlfriend. “This is my home. It looks good, now, sure,” said Berkman, “but imagine it with more dusty games I borrowed from friends.”
“It’s been… over a month since I’ve even talked to a real girl. Oh man. Those don’t even look like breasts. Jesus. I need to figure some things out,” said the man. Curled up in a ball in his bed, he added the following statement, “Oh, man. I should call my parents more often.”
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
Like a man after having sex or bowling a turkey, Jake struts with unearthly buoyancy. Nothing can put him down, it seems, not even gravity. Even the piercing buzz of his alarm clock this morning trickles around him like a burst of harmonic stardust.
Halo: I’m the Master Chief. Chief, not chef. It’s a military rank. I know he was in the army, Grandma. I’ve seen his purple heart. This is nothing like Normandy. This is on Earth way in the future. That’s Cortana. She doesn’t have to wear clothes. Because she lives in my head, Grandma. Just like you lived in Grandpa’s head when he was killing the Nazis.
According to Mr. Bomberman, he and his allies are fighting a ‘holy war’ against the ‘forces of evil’ embedded in this country, one that can ‘only be won through acts of vilence.’ [sic] He ‘has no remorse for baby killers,’ all of whom he believes ‘will be judged in the fiery fires of hell.’
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.