While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
Only six copies of the materia have been located across Gaia. Though the summoned Badasx Aeris does not actually serve any function in combat, reports show that diehard fans of the martyred flower girl from Midgar are gathering in taverns and summoning her as many as fifty times an evening.
Scott Little, a 315 pound French horn player for the Glenwood High Marching Band, announced today that the WiiFit Plus will likely inspire him to practice a healthier lifestyle, before sending him into a shame fueled tailspin of Big Macs and Nutter Butters.
Diego Veracruz, the GameStop employee who handled Gregory’s account, said, “that was a bunch of lame old shit, anyway. I would be happy to get rid of it. Seriously, I mean, a Dreamcast? He expects to trade that in? Sure, I mean, I guess I’ve heard of it – in my grandmother’s encyclopedia.”
Mr. Moore rolls up his denim pant leg to reveal a scabby tattoo the size of a softball. It’s fresh. The colorful image, twin dolphins jumping crescent moon, is almost bioluminescent, glowing against his pale calf.
“IT RIGHT HERE LAST NIGHT, ME THINK,” moans Ms. Alexander. “ME NEED TALK WITH SIMON. HE WITH ME LAST NIGHT.” She sits on the floor and tries for a couple minutes to snap open her purse with her giant, chrome plated fingers. It’s no use. She sighs. “JUST NEED BLACKBERRY.”
At first we thought that everyone was being fashionably late. A few locals came in, bought a couple Stellas, called us faggots and left. (To be fair, we were all dressed as Kratos from God of War.) But after midnight came and went with nary a guest in attendance, we realized that our party was a bust.
“They put a needle in that there vibrator thing,” says Tater with the authority only familar to a man that chews on his beard. “Then it takes your blood. And your fingerprint. Puts it on the internet; sends it away to the CIA. And then they make a clone.”
“As anyone who has seen the inside of a sex toy store can assert,” Richardson continued, “The design of the PS3 ‘wand’ is clearly based on the Hitachi Magic Wand Body Massager*, a notoriously powerful sex toy and massager perhaps best known for its appearance on an episode of Sex and the City.” The crowd remained silent as Richardson held for what he clearly expected to be applause. “Likewise,” he pressed on, “The Wii Vitality Sensor is modeled on a number of finger vibrators, such as the Yoni Finger Massager Portable Personal Massager*.”
*: Please note, any vibrator purchases through these links will help offset Hardcasual’s bandwidth costs.
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
Shove those adorable little balls of fluff into wooden crates, stacked three high, and leave them at the front door. If you fail to meet our demands by 7PM this evening, we will kill one hostage on the hour, every hour. We’re not fucking around. We’ll do it.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS? – 20 Points – You were connected with five women in a row.
BUY A LOTTERY TICKET – 50 Points – A woman stopped her pathological “next”-clicking to ask you whether you wanted to see her practice her striptease routine.
According to a report on the incident by the Irvine Police Dept., none of the three had a history of depression or psychosis except Erik’s brief stint on Lexapro during the late 1990s.
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.