While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
Oh! The many wonders this world offers! Oh fleshy man-beasts, in their close knit hovels! Oh, the mechanical vehicles, that don’t require the taming of a horse. How quaint, to track down a single killer through guesswork and investigation! And what great killer decides to hide his work, anyways? Be proud, thinks Lord Bloodcrow. He does not understand, but is intrigued.
“I want the players to really feel the balls,” says a giddy Spielberg. The Oscar-winning director can barely sit still as he muses over the future of his Wii franchise “This will really bring the whole living room alive with balls flying to and fro, explosions, blox and of course all the cute kittie and doggie dudes.”
“This new game comes packed with the Pokéwalker,” states a short-shorts wearing Neal, “Unlike other videogames — which can promote laziness and a lack of group showers – the Pokéwalker gets kids active and walking. You can use this fun pedometer anywhere, and frankly, I’m a fan of just about anything pedo-related.”
“I just want to watch the Scott Pilgrim trailer with her over and over,” said Ross Horsefeld. “I mean, she’d just really get it. And if she was Knives Chao, I’d never leave her for that white girl. Even if she was in Final Destination.”
Success! Surely the writer who wrote this note meant it to breathe confidence in its reader! Surely he does not share the same fate as whomever left this stain of blood. And he cannot share the fate of the very soldier who’s body rests at the bottom of this cliff.
Mr. Ryan, of course, speaks of the Vita-Chamber, the invention that has shaken the world. Indeed, President Obama’s health care plan would offer all US citizens the right to usage of Vita-Chambers – “from the most downtrodden splicer to the Biggest Daddy, all should have the rights to resume their playthrough of this American dream,” as Obama put it in his State of the Union address. Critics, though, like Mr. Ryan, doubt the efficacy of the plan: “I mean, some people die every five minutes – they just can’t figure out how to use their Plasmids correctly. Why should I pay their bills?”
When asked what his future plans were for his DSi, Perris expressed great excitement about the upcoming camera-enabled Wario Ware game. “I’m totally gonna play that… with my cock!”
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
No, no. This has nothing to do with the time I smoked opium and killed Mecha-Hitler. I’m not allowed to tell that story anymore. Your mother’s rule, not mine. Besides, aren’t you proud that Grandpa Blazkowicz mowed down the most evil man of the twentieth-century with a rail gun?
This week brings the 2009 Tokyo Game Show, and with it an assortment of rumors, speculation, and Western journalists remarking about how wacky Tokyo is. We thought we’d share a few of the rumors that have come across our desks in the past few days.
“One more fight,” Aaron says, his gaze focused on the screen. The 3rd period of the game has begun. There are no points on the board, because they’ve been fighting the whole time. “But we’ll have to play more hockey,” Peter complains. “Just keep checking my dude,” Aaron says.
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.
