Stupid Assholes At Your Office Obviously Never Played Final Fantasy
Thursday, 03/11/10

You can hardly contain your excitement while collating copies and forwarding memos. What will it be like to join forces with Sazh? Great warmth fills your heart as you call your mother to cancel another dinner. Mom can wait; let’s spend some quality time with a baby chocobo that lives in an afro.

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“It Seems Only The Predator Can Save Our Jobs Now,” by Lou Dobbs, Former CNN Host
Tuesday, 02/16/10 – 9:03 am
“It Seems Only The Predator Can Save Our Jobs Now,” by Lou Dobbs, Former CNN Host

Anyone who doubts the incredible power of the Predator needs only to watch the excellent documentaries Predator and Predator II. Both films show the Predator as an experienced hunter who will stop at nothing to eliminate his prey – much as I have lead the charge to save our streets from the scourge of hard-working Mexican immigrants.

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President Kidnapped By Ninjas: Bad Dudes Sought
Monday, 02/15/10 – 5:14 am
President Kidnapped By Ninjas: Bad Dudes Sought

While the President’s Day weekend promised to be a joyride for many Americans, who planned to finish Mass Effect 2, drink a metric assload of cheap beer, and completely ignore the Winter Olympics, a generation is now forced to ask themselves a serious question: are they bad enough dudes to rescue the President?

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After 21 Years of Running, Man Can No Longer Avoid the Noid
Friday, 02/12/10 – 12:02 am
After 21 Years of Running, Man Can No Longer Avoid the Noid

For 21 years, AJ Goldberg –a.k.a. Anthony O’Houllihan, Ang Yoo and Antoine Okeoke —has avoided the Noid. Until today. But first, before he can face his demon, he must diffuse two decades worth of cautionary measures, taking time to remember the good times, but mostly the bad.

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Two Men Go On One-Hundred-and-Twenty-Eight Block Asskicking Rampage
Thursday, 02/11/10 – 1:14 pm
Two Men Go On One-Hundred-and-Twenty-Eight Block Asskicking Rampage

These guys mean business. They lay down the law. They don’t have the time to stop and ask themselves, ”Do all these people even belong to the gang that’s holding the mayor’s daughter for ransom?” No. Of course not. But that’s the deal, people of Metro City. If you’re on this street right now, you’re getting your ass kickboxed out of commission.

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Dow Jones Sets High Score in Burnout 3
Wednesday, 02/10/10 – 12:20 am
Dow Jones Sets High Score in Burnout 3

Time slows to a crawl. A frame of a moving van launches skyward off its axle and collides with a stray bit of The Walt Disney Company, which pings back towards Earth and glides along the pavement. Fragments of what was once Procter & Gamble lay nearby, their edges charred by flame and greed. The world’s largest stock market index clips the back of an oil tanker and spins seven times in the air, then lands derivative-first on top of a hot dog cart. And it isn’t done there…

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Big Daddy Reluctantly Shills Go Daddy
Tuesday, 02/9/10 – 12:27 am
Big Daddy Reluctantly Shills Go Daddy

EXT. SPA – GOLDEN HOUR
DANICA PATRICK, naked except for a clandestine white bath towel, sprawls on a massage table. BIG DADDY, in a revealing tank top, lumbers above her, squeezing out a bottle of oil onto her back.

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First Look: Precious: The Video Game: Based on the Movie “Precious” Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire
Monday, 02/8/10 – 1:54 am
First Look: <i>Precious: The Video Game: Based on the Movie “Precious” Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire</i>

“Morality challenges” are one feature that the developers talked up to us. “Say, you’ve been raped repeatedly by your father. But you’re pregnant, and your community tells you not to get an abortion. But you can’t take care of the baby, and your mother is abusive. The only game this year that will give you an achievement for making the right choice is Precious: The Video Game: Based on the Movie “Precious”: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire.”

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Blue Turtle Shell Making 1,112,392th Lap Around Abandoned Moo Moo Farms
Friday, 02/5/10 – 4:58 am
Blue Turtle Shell Making 1,112,392th Lap Around Abandoned Moo Moo Farms

The blue turtle shell is only the tip of the iceberg. One has to wonder, are there still banana peels rotting on the brunette slopes of Choco Mountain? And how many fake item boxes have been left to the elements out in Yoshi Valley? These are the things we never think about when the confetti has been swept away and the winners and losers have all been chosen.

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