You can hardly contain your excitement while collating copies and forwarding memos. What will it be like to join forces with Sazh? Great warmth fills your heart as you call your mother to cancel another dinner. Mom can wait; let’s spend some quality time with a baby chocobo that lives in an afro.
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With God of War III’s release, the Kratos Trilogy has finally come to a close. While Hardcasual is really going to miss all the foot-slashing, we know that these are things a “mature” person shouldn’t enjoy. (And certainly no one under the age of eighteen.) We haven’t played it yet, though, because we plan on importing the Chinese version of the game: Mr. Bald’s Jumprope Tag Adventure!
Anyone who doubts the incredible power of the Predator needs only to watch the excellent documentaries Predator and Predator II. Both films show the Predator as an experienced hunter who will stop at nothing to eliminate his prey – much as I have lead the charge to save our streets from the scourge of hard-working Mexican immigrants.
While the President’s Day weekend promised to be a joyride for many Americans, who planned to finish Mass Effect 2, drink a metric assload of cheap beer, and completely ignore the Winter Olympics, a generation is now forced to ask themselves a serious question: are they bad enough dudes to rescue the President?
For 21 years, AJ Goldberg –a.k.a. Anthony O’Houllihan, Ang Yoo and Antoine Okeoke —has avoided the Noid. Until today. But first, before he can face his demon, he must diffuse two decades worth of cautionary measures, taking time to remember the good times, but mostly the bad.
These guys mean business. They lay down the law. They don’t have the time to stop and ask themselves, ”Do all these people even belong to the gang that’s holding the mayor’s daughter for ransom?” No. Of course not. But that’s the deal, people of Metro City. If you’re on this street right now, you’re getting your ass kickboxed out of commission.
Time slows to a crawl. A frame of a moving van launches skyward off its axle and collides with a stray bit of The Walt Disney Company, which pings back towards Earth and glides along the pavement. Fragments of what was once Procter & Gamble lay nearby, their edges charred by flame and greed. The world’s largest stock market index clips the back of an oil tanker and spins seven times in the air, then lands derivative-first on top of a hot dog cart. And it isn’t done there…
EXT. SPA – GOLDEN HOUR
DANICA PATRICK, naked except for a clandestine white bath towel, sprawls on a massage table. BIG DADDY, in a revealing tank top, lumbers above her, squeezing out a bottle of oil onto her back.
“Morality challenges” are one feature that the developers talked up to us. “Say, you’ve been raped repeatedly by your father. But you’re pregnant, and your community tells you not to get an abortion. But you can’t take care of the baby, and your mother is abusive. The only game this year that will give you an achievement for making the right choice is Precious: The Video Game: Based on the Movie “Precious”: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire.”
The blue turtle shell is only the tip of the iceberg. One has to wonder, are there still banana peels rotting on the brunette slopes of Choco Mountain? And how many fake item boxes have been left to the elements out in Yoshi Valley? These are the things we never think about when the confetti has been swept away and the winners and losers have all been chosen.
Detroit, Michigan
Gordon Freelander spotted chasing paparazzi off his driveway, who were snapping pictures of him as he fixed up his cherry red 1976 Ford Mustang.
Henry Ford’s power didn’t come from money, but an ancient, magical relic codenamed PE-4. (I’d be crazy not to concede I was off by a little.) Ford tested the remnant by repressing his workers with mind control! And he mastered it by partnering with Hitler and suppressing the Jews…with mind control!
10.) Achievement unlocked: “Virgin 2.0”
9.) Don’t you hate grinding.
8.) Shh! My raid can still hear us!
7.) How do I invert your Y-axis?
6.) I call it “Active reloading.”
These guys mean business. They lay down the law. They don’t have the time to stop and ask themselves, ”Do all these people even belong to the gang that’s holding the mayor’s daughter for ransom?” No. Of course not. But that’s the deal, people of Metro City. If you’re on this street right now, you’re getting your ass kickboxed out of commission.
Dalaran, 23:10 GMT
As they washed Hippogryph shit out of their Tier 7 helms, two tauren adventurers promised themselves that they’d never exchange jewelcrafting tips beneath a flight path ever again.