While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
Boy, did Microsoft and Bungie outdo themselves! The only thing that was missing was the quesadillas. Last year they had this entire spread with chorizo sausage, spinach and gouda, bacon and walnut…
He doesn’t go to church! So it’s like his prayers are part of some made-up Manson Family cult. If that cult’s only membership requirement is to be embarrassingly bad at Power Cruising.
“Bowser-only-have-a-couple-more-weeks-a-to-live! I’m-a-take-care-of-this!” Luigi shouts as he prepares to punt a turtle shell. Mario holds out his hand. “Let’s-a-think-about-this-a-little-bit…” he says.
“It’s the nature of Google. The strong make it up stream. The weak flounder,” says Activision CEO, Bobby Kottick. “That said, we do understand cod’s having a reel hard time.”
“Sure, I haven’t played one of these FTSes since Halo 3, but I was really good at that,” he told us. “Plus, I loved that game – it was amazing that they managed to fit a full 40-hour campaign onto one DVD. Beat that, PS3!”
The character of Kratos is very different in this Chinese translation. Instead of being a ruthless, vengeance-driven zealot with a passion for disemboweling his enemies, “Mr. Bald” is a Han government worker who drinks too much tea one evening and has vivid dreams of a fantasy world in which he must whip magical beasts into submission.
This week brings the 2009 Tokyo Game Show, and with it an assortment of rumors, speculation, and Western journalists remarking about how wacky Tokyo is. We thought we’d share a few of the rumors that have come across our desks in the past few days.
As we all know, niche is the new broad. FOX has the conservatives. MSNBC, the liberals. We need our corner of the market that will blindly obey our marching commands in exhange for content that meets their concrete personal beliefs. We high-up’s at CNN have spent countless, sleepless nights asking the big questions, namely ‘What demographic can make us the most money?’
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
Crazy week for videogames, right? But you’ve just been reading Kotaku, huh, poser, so why would you know? But you’re all like, oh, Totilo this, death of New Games Journalism that, but you have to really get it from the source. Oh, the source? Yeah, you should really be listening to my podcast.
11:43 PM — A frazzled mother who had been in line for over an hour asked the two teenagers in place behind her to “save her place” while she “checked on her baby in the car.”
The blue turtle shell is only the tip of the iceberg. One has to wonder, are there still banana peels rotting on the brunette slopes of Choco Mountain? And how many fake item boxes have been left to the elements out in Yoshi Valley? These are the things we never think about when the confetti has been swept away and the winners and losers have all been chosen.
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.