While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
Many have asked me “But how will you improve [on the already awe inspiring and in no way derivative] Fable II?” While others have asked “Why are you doing this to us? What did we do to deserve [the greatest games ever conceived by man]?” Well I will tell you now, because I love you.
When I heard about the Splinter Cell: Conviction special limited edition, I just knew I had to have it. The metallic case, art book, and broken USB device alone were enough to make me reach for my super-rare Zelda wallet. Then, I saw it – the Sam Fisher statuette. Dear sweet Lord, I immediately knew how great this tiny stealth operative would look – covered in dust – sitting forgotten behind some Animal Crossing plushies.
One industry professional described the news as “like hearing I’d have to see Avatar again in the front row. I’m just imagining a sequestered review session of 3DS game – 12 hour days of staring into a tiny ‘3D’ screen, feeling my eyes slowly attempt to worm their way out of my head to avoid the suffering. I mean, I thought staring at a HDTV for hours a day was bad – just think what it’s going to be like to stare into a grainy screen while monsters “leap out at me”. I think I should become a dentist.”
This morning I was buying some bombs at the store, and as I’m checking out, the owner gives me this big smile and says, “Here you go, Mr. Zelda” and hands me my bag. What do I do? I don’t say anything, because what good is correcting the guy going to do? It’s not like he’s going to hop on his horse and ride around Hyrule, telling people that the name of the guy who saved his ass from Ganon twenty times is Link. The guy probably hasn’t left his village his whole life, the hick.
One citizen shared this grievance: “We’re only asking for a little transparency here. I’m willing to pay a property tax- heck, I’d even throw money at him for the ‘don’t stab me in the back’ tax- but I’d at least like to know beforehand where the money is going. I mean, I can see why we need a well for fresh water, and I understand why a brothel might attract more tourism, but a Thieves’ Guild? Really? How does that help the wealth of a city? A safe zone to train more thieves to rob people? Where does the money go then? Back into the hands of Ezio’s Architect, who then remodels the Thieves’ Guild?
Every monitor shows the bloated face of a recent iPad purchaser. They all stare into the camera with wonderstruck faces. They have no idea that the iPad has a camera that feeds directly into Steve Job’s office, allowing him to track the movements of every Apple user across the globe. In a couple weeks, he’ll know everything he needs to know to make his next move: world domination.
You know, when you invite your buddy over to kick some Left 4 Dead 2 zombie ass, the last thing you expect is to have your things covered in a thin layer of shit.
“I mean, I could pretend like I was waiting for the second generation. Or even just that I had a pre-order for a 3G one. But no one would believe me. I mean, look into these eyes. These are the eyes of an empty soul. These are the eyes of a man who knows that he is missing just one thing from his life – and he is unwilling to take those final steps to claim it,” Mr. Baker told us. “I mean, if I could limit myself to just the 16 GB model, then I could probably afford one. But I know I couldn’t stop there. I just know it.”
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
Stepping into the taxi cab, I vow to hold my breath until I reach my destination. Strangely, the cabbie is not smoking a cigar and refuses to call me “Mac”. “Take me to Lefty’s bar,” I tell the driver. “I’ve never heard of that place,” he responds. How can there not be a Lefty’s bar anywhere in Florence? I suppose Hank’s Nascar Drinkway will have to suffice.
“this will make an awesome movie some day!!! (too bad Will Smith is dead) 
”
Mrs. Henderson wasn’t the first to make a move, sexually. Ms. Viola had filled Pit’s locker with naked Polaroids, close-up pictures of her nether-regions trimmed in the shape a Mirror Shield. Even Mr. Dyer had begun watching him during those long walks from gym shower to gym locker.
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.