Meat Bun T-shirt Being Explained to Everyone at Party
Friday, 03/12/10

How many times did this conversation about the t-shirt take place over the course of the two and a half hour party in Sheila’s backyard? A dozen times, at least. Friends, family, the hired help – no one was spared the explanation. Those who made the mistake of lingering near the drink table rarely returned, and those who did did so hastily, as if a horde of wild animals was about to stampede through and there was only two minutes to pour a vodka cranberry.

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Children Required to Subtract Ten from Their Birth Year To Watch Gruesome God of War 3 Preview Video
Tuesday, 09/1/09 – 9:00 am
Children Required to Subtract Ten from Their Birth Year To Watch Gruesome God of War 3 Preview Video

Mark quickly types in his birth date, subtracting ten years from his year of birth. He clicks on the ACCEPT button and the video begins to play. The boys are immediately rewarded with a man stabbing a cyclops in the eye and then riding him around like a chicken with its head cut off. Techno music plays.

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Loser Kid on Playground Still Talking About “Shadow Complex”
Monday, 08/31/09 – 9:31 am
Loser Kid on Playground Still Talking About “Shadow Complex”

Jeremy wears a huge grin across his face. His wide-open eyes are ready for any glimmer of the acceptance he’s sure he’s finally merited. After what seems like an eternity, Billy Gruber finally turns to him and says the words: “We’re talking about Arkham Asylum, faggot. Shadow Complex is so two weeks ago.”

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Bearded, Overweight Sam Raimi Still “Doing Research” for New Warcraft Movie
Friday, 08/28/09 – 12:08 am
Bearded, Overweight Sam Raimi Still “Doing Research” for New Warcraft Movie

“The writer, Chris Metzen, and I are doing a lot of raiding—I mean researching. We’re doing a lot of researching together,” Mr. Raimi told the audience. “We’ve been researching Naxxramas, Uldum, all those places. Sometimes more than twice a night. However many times it takes. We want to get this right.”

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Jesus Dies for Sins of a Solar Empire
Thursday, 08/27/09 – 9:23 am
Jesus Dies for Sins of a Solar Empire

Then straightaway, at the fourth hour, the caffeine and salt did fail Him for he then needed sleep and drink, but he received them not. The Empire grew increasingly dark so Jesus did increase the monitor’s brightness.

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Professor Layton Solves Brain Teaser, Grisly Prostitute Murders
Wednesday, 08/26/09 – 12:02 am
Professor Layton Solves Brain Teaser, Grisly Prostitute Murders

We’re in the spare bedroom that he has converted into a makeshift classroom. Behind him, Luke is prying a bejeweled necklace off the dug up skeleton of a nobleman. Every few seconds he stops to spit in a bucket.

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Local Woman Makes Kid Icarus a Man
Tuesday, 08/25/09 – 9:53 am
Local Woman Makes Kid Icarus a Man

Mrs. Henderson wasn’t the first to make a move, sexually. Ms. Viola had filled Pit’s locker with naked Polaroids, close-up pictures of her nether-regions trimmed in the shape a Mirror Shield. Even Mr. Dyer had begun watching him during those long walks from gym shower to gym locker.

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Architects of “Shadow Complex” Sued by Restoration for $1.2 Billion
Monday, 08/24/09 – 10:00 am
Architects of “Shadow Complex” Sued by Restoration for $1.2 Billion

The most serious claim against the architects is their puzzling decision to color-code the possible destructibility of all doors, vents, and hatches with the use of direct illumination. “We’re scrapping the first batch of luminophilic, missile-destructable doors,” reads one letter from the architects.

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Frat Party Ruined After Downloading John Cage’s 4’ 33” DLC
Friday, 08/21/09 – 12:55 am
Frat Party Ruined After Downloading John Cage’s 4’ 33” DLC

The song starts. A minute goes by without notes. The makeshift band is confused, but nobody says anything. They patiently wait for notes to appear. Perhaps the song has a long lead-in? James Brent, the fraternity’s leader and fake-bass guitarist, finally says what everybody is thinking, “Is this shit broken?”

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