While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
I had never even heard of Rock Band. If you had told me, “Oh, yeah, it’s a videogame where you pretend to play the drums to songs,” I would have laughed at you. But how innocent I was. Turns out that was wrong, though. Rock Band is a videogame where at 2 in the morning, someone decides they want to try to play Metallica just by stomping their foot on the ground of the room right above your bedroom. And failing. Seven or eight times in a row.
Nathan unravels his silk black tie, exhales a steady, cigar huff of a breath, and takes another swing at the Windsor knot. “Who named it the Windsor,” he says aloud to no one in particular, “Because he sure got the sore part right.”
Nathan’s caught himself doing this recently – quipping to himself. A weird tick he must have picked up during that miserable quest for El Dorado.
“Well, no. Actually. We’re a really small company. We’ve only shipped one game,” Colin says. There’s an awkward silence. “Video games. Not like Donkey Kong, or anything. Smart stuff. Like Braid. Or, uh…you know, Portal. We don’t have a budget like Valve, though. It’s just a skeleton crew of friends developing this shit. We work out of a basement. Not like our Mom’s basement. The basement of a commercial building.” Colin takes a deep breath. “It’s a real job.”
It seems like it was yesterday that the two spent a long weekend traversing the totality of Ivalice in Final Fantasy Tactics. They brought each other Dr. Pepper floats from Sonic, they talked about women they were too shy to ask out, and they gave each other backrubs that they promised never to speak of.
“As I understand Freud, dreams are just small concerns of the day made into images that point to deeper desires and fears. But I work in a bank. I can’t imagine what goes through my mind at work that would make me dream of a tree with a boner nose making me swallow apples and spit them back at his face.”
The next morning, screenshots of the kitten rape mini-game surface for the first time. It appears that a button must be pressed in time with the rhythmic humping of Gay Tony’s buttocks. If done incorrectly, the digital kitten explodes in a mess of guts and semen.
Exclusive Image From Phil Spector’s “Epic Mickey”
Rasool: You don’t really expect a terrorist leader to get a real sense of ennui upon seeing the infidel government fall to pieces under a hail of bullets and missiles – but I mean, what, do they think we never played Fallout 3?
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
XXX/***********\XXXXX
XXX|…o..0……|XXXXX
XXX|..(_____)..|XXXXX
XXX\____o___/XXXXX
XXXXX|……|XXXXXXX
“this will make an awesome movie some day!!! (too bad Will Smith is dead) 
”
It seems like it was yesterday that the two spent a long weekend traversing the totality of Ivalice in Final Fantasy Tactics. They brought each other Dr. Pepper floats from Sonic, they talked about women they were too shy to ask out, and they gave each other backrubs that they promised never to speak of.
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.