While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
In a statement, Square Enix responded by saying it was exploring its options along with belt designers, manufacturers and distributors, who are ramping up production to meet the increased demand. “We continue to search for ways to develop our games responsibly,” the release stated, while adding that “We wouldn’t do it if it didn’t look awesome.”
When my wife sees me pull into the driveway with this juicy morsel in tow, she’ll have to forgive me for all prior transgressions. Then the kids will follow suit. Everything will go back to the way it was. It’s a fresh start. A respawn. Redemption, thy name is Green Mushroom!
“The most recent game I liked was Shadow of the Colossus, obvi. It’s the only one with any artistic value. It toys with a narrative form that is rarely explored in video games. By the end, you become the very monster you set out to destroy. It’s reminiscent of Cloud’s unreliable narration in Final Fantasy 7. He’s actually a clone of Sephiroth! Could you guys believe that? That’s deeper than anything else going on in WoW.”
“That’s just part of the intrigue of living downtown,” says Linda Barrett. “You’ve got the best parks, the best restaurants. Sometimes you’re going to see a helicopter jam-packed full of black-ops mercenaries being shot down by our intrepid hero as he jumps from rooftop to rooftop. Watch your head!”
During a promotional event for heavy metal adventure game Brutal Legend, Jack Black was reportedly consumed in flames when a fan’s too close lighter tribute ignited the hem of his polyester muscle costume. First responders say it was nearly eight minutes before a horrified passerby splashed the star with a large cup of soda, extinguishing the blaze – admirers had mistaken Black’s agonizing screams for his signature metal yells.
“Plantiff alleges that the plot of Square-Enix’s video game ‘Dis-did-e-a’ very closely resembles the plot of her…” The judge squints at the page. “…her fan fiction piece titled, let’s see here, ‘Cloud & Squall & Terra & Tidus & Cecil & Bartz & Firion VERSUS Sephiroth & Kefka & Ultimecia & Jecht & Kuja & Garland & Golbez.”
Kefka summons a meteor storm down on the party. The giant burning rocks deflect off the Returners’ skin like tiny pieces of hail. Sabin counters by punching Kefka’s face off. “What the…what the hell was that?” Kefka screams.
I can only guess what the Oregon Trail was really like. Typhoid might be a serious disease no amount of salt can cure! What if, god forbid, protecting the world from dangerous space mutants turns out to be just as un-fun as serving in Afghanistan.
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
Shove those adorable little balls of fluff into wooden crates, stacked three high, and leave them at the front door. If you fail to meet our demands by 7PM this evening, we will kill one hostage on the hour, every hour. We’re not fucking around. We’ll do it.
The ones in that game where the girl’s taking a shower and it looks like a real shower and she looks dead behind the eyes. Man, I bet those things would have been so fun to play with if I lathered my hands up with some shampoo or body lotion first.
“It’s all part of the job,” Mr. Dig Dug said. “I’m finding shit down there all the time. Time capsules, pirate booty, spaceships – you name it, I’ve found it. I found a dinosaur once. It was alive.”
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.