While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
“The reason that so many of us have been spontaneously combusting is not because they have angered the Fade,” says Lord Fazzelby, the court’s alchemist, in an irritatingly high voice, “but because we are all suffering from a rare disease of too much blood in the circulatory system.”
Within minutes of firing up the game, Shawn’s in more agony than he’s ever been in his life – and he’s had kidney stones. “What the fuck is this?! I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemies!” he screams. He tosses the laptop across the room and weeps. That gun is looking pretty good right about now.
Boy Tom, you’ve really done it. A nice trip to St. Martin and on the company dime no less. Not a thing between you and the opaque shores of Orient Beach. Now, if this airport security line could get some locomotion, you could focus on that ocean. And how shall I address my paradise to its locals? Like the Dutch: “St. Maarten?” Or like the French: “St. Martin?” As the toponomist says of a nationally partitioned island, “After a few mojitos, who cares!“
Mr. Michaels said of the article, “Everybody keeps going on and on about a Citizen Kane of videogames. I say, what’s that? Is there a Banana Republic line of Citizen Kane clothes? Does Citizen Kane make it cool for me to smoke profusely? Did Citizen Kane introduce me to the Manhattan, rocks, one cherry? No. And that’s why we need an article like mine in the gamesblogosphere – to ask the question everyone knows they should be thinking.”
No sitar-playing evil-doer shall escape our sight! No bongo-wielding polluter will… *sniff* Oh my GOD, is that…? It IS! IT’SSSSSSS BACON! YUMYUMYUMYUM!
Several industry observers have suggested that we may see GTA V in the late part of 2010 – but rumors of a release of another Madden title have already begun swirling for that period, and some in the industry have even suggested that the “sequel fever” gripping the industry may also strike the Rock Band and Guitar Hero franchises. If that’s the case, we can certainly look forward to a crowded holiday season in 2010!
The Twit.Er Lazer: A highly-condensed burst of radiation designed to stewify the brain. Leaves the enemy incapable of finishing statements above 140 characters, addicted to forum links and incontinent in social settings.
“It’s a wider audience, Val,” he said. “Broad doesn’t mean bad.” What an asshole! I mean, look at you guys. You’re dressed in pastels! Is that so you can keep track of each other in dungeons? God, I fucking hope so.
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
“Games journalism is such a hard world for a man to break into. Look at, say, Leigh Alexander. What’s she ever done? I mean, obviously, she’s been like an editor at every major news source on the internet, and she’s been working for decades. But her blog? People just read that shit because she’s a girl.”
Dynasty Warriors says: fighting with a small army under your command is no different from fighting with a large one: it is merely a question of whether or not you have another fifteen minutes to blow before dinner.
For six minutes, one can practically see the blocks descending from behind the upper velvet curtain and settling atop the heads of the brass section. A box appears to the right of the stage, beyond the percussion on the raised platform, that visualizes the next shape in the series: a block, a zag, a zag, a line. A tally appears in the gilded ceiling of the concert hall, rocketing upward as a Tetris clears the horn section out of existence.
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.