While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.
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Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
A very special New Years gift from Hardcasual to our hungover readers. If you’ve ever wondered what it was like to be in President Obama’s shoes during this turbulent time, look no further.
Attention! Attention! Fleshlings of Earth are to prohibit bodily movement for the duration of the following announcement from our almighty, all-knowing and ill-being Imperial Lord Zargon.
We were trapped in a cave in. When we heard the scratching, we were sure that was that. Damnation and salvation had rutted so much that day, we couldn’t tell the Devil from Jesus. We sat, weakened, hearing the noise get closer and closer. We weren’t expecting a man in a blue and white jumpsuit. If this was Jesus, then Disco was surely alive and well in Heaven.
The middle stall of EA Redwood Studio’s 3rd floor men’s room was for a long time the secondary office of Alex Doe, Senior Copyeditor and the man who signed off our company’s box art for a living. Any other employee at any other employer would have been ashamed to spend full afternoons lounging in the loo, but Alex took pride in what it was he did and where it was he did it.
“I mean, he started off like he was really trying to go for it,” Rob told us later. “I think he was still trying to do some sort of weird Bob Dylan impression, too, but he was starting off like he was really going to sing the song. But then he started just mumbling the words, and when he realized that the game was deducting points for that, he started doing the mumbling louder.”
The first thing millions of children will do when they wake up this morning is check their computers to see what new games Jolly Old Saint Rick has put on the internet for them to pirate. Many children won’t even consider laying hand on gift wrap until twenty or more files are being illegally downloaded at once. And you can forget about stockings.
Coming Home for Christmas is the perfect escape from Mark Spellman’s daily grind. In the place of brainstorming and file filing is snow falling and Christmas caroling. Oh just wait till the boys back at the office hear about all these festivities, he thinks with a smile crinkling his red cheeks.
“Sure, it’s happened every year so far,” said Mark Griffin, reliability officer at Xbox Live, “But this year, we’ve attached the ethernet cables with extra duct tape. In fact, I’ve used over seven rolls of duct tape on this Xbox alone. Wait, what do these blinking red lights mean? Is that bad?”
In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.
Don’t let mainstream media brainwash you with their half-truths about Modern Warfare 2. Yes, the game does feature a scene in which the player can (but doesn’t have to) shoot civilians in an airport, however, in-game context proves developer Infinity Ward to be making an insightful, necessary point about terrorism, one I’ll explain soon as you suck my balls, faggot.
Dynasty Warriors says: fighting with a small army under your command is no different from fighting with a large one: it is merely a question of whether or not you have another fifteen minutes to blow before dinner.
Mario, the league’s chairman, said in a brief statement: “We here at the Mario Kart circuit come from a simple culture, where men are men, women wear bows and bake cookies, adults can race right alongside their infant selves, and monkeys and reptiles can race go-karts together.”
Mulgore, 9:33 GMT
Roggie and Siri Two-Moons sat on top of a hill and watched the clouds for two hours before realizing that they were actually plumes of smoke, and that an Alliance raid had destroyed Orgrimmar.