“It spits in the face of all those gamers who voluntarily gave up their lives to constantly play this online phenomenon,” says Pvt. C0rnh0lio69, “It’s like he never served! If he hasn’t been on a 25 enemy kill streak, how will he ever know to hit left on the d-pad to launch our tactical nuke perk and win the match?!”

Don’t let mainstream media brainwash you with their half-truths about Modern Warfare 2. Yes, the game does feature a scene in which the player can (but doesn’t have to) shoot civilians in an airport, however, in-game context proves developer Infinity Ward to be making an insightful, necessary point about terrorism, one I’ll explain soon as you suck my balls, faggot.

During a promotional event for heavy metal adventure game Brutal Legend, Jack Black was reportedly consumed in flames when a fan’s too close lighter tribute ignited the hem of his polyester muscle costume. First responders say it was nearly eight minutes before a horrified passerby splashed the star with a large cup of soda, extinguishing the blaze – admirers had mistaken Black’s agonizing screams for his signature metal yells.

The next morning, screenshots of the kitten rape mini-game surface for the first time. It appears that a button must be pressed in time with the rhythmic humping of Gay Tony’s buttocks. If done incorrectly, the digital kitten explodes in a mess of guts and semen.

Rasool: You don’t really expect a terrorist leader to get a real sense of ennui upon seeing the infidel government fall to pieces under a hail of bullets and missiles – but I mean, what, do they think we never played Fallout 3?

Boy, did Microsoft and Bungie outdo themselves! The only thing that was missing was the quesadillas. Last year they had this entire spread with chorizo sausage, spinach and gouda, bacon and walnut…

“It’s the nature of Google. The strong make it up stream. The weak flounder,” says Activision CEO, Bobby Kottick. “That said, we do understand cod’s having a reel hard time.”

“Sure, I haven’t played one of these FTSes since Halo 3, but I was really good at that,” he told us. “Plus, I loved that game – it was amazing that they managed to fit a full 40-hour campaign onto one DVD. Beat that, PS3!”