One citizen shared this grievance: “We’re only asking for a little transparency here. I’m willing to pay a property tax- heck, I’d even throw money at him for the ‘don’t stab me in the back’ tax- but I’d at least like to know beforehand where the money is going. I mean, I can see why we need a well for fresh water, and I understand why a brothel might attract more tourism, but a Thieves’ Guild? Really? How does that help the wealth of a city? A safe zone to train more thieves to rob people? Where does the money go then? Back into the hands of Ezio’s Architect, who then remodels the Thieves’ Guild?

You know, when you invite your buddy over to kick some Left 4 Dead 2 zombie ass, the last thing you expect is to have your things covered in a thin layer of shit.

The tables, it seems, have been turned – at least in the eyes of 360Gamer4939. Whereas once, he had to resort to mudslinging like “GEM IS A GAY NAME” and “ROLE-PLAYING GAMES ARE FOR FAGS”, now he has a strong basis for his argument – the brief outage of an online service, for a portion of PlayStation 3 users. “The facts are finally 100% on my side – the Xbox 360 is clearly the better system.”

The meeting’s audience, which consisted of equal parts videogame press and young Japanese girls in bikinis, attempted to hush their confused chatter. The room became quiet as Itagaki lit his thirteenth cigarette in as many minutes.

“Sure, it’s happened every year so far,” said Mark Griffin, reliability officer at Xbox Live, “But this year, we’ve attached the ethernet cables with extra duct tape. In fact, I’ve used over seven rolls of duct tape on this Xbox alone. Wait, what do these blinking red lights mean? Is that bad?”

I’m going to Afghanistan. In a video game. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Because my country needs me to play this game so I can fight in a real war one day when I’m bored or just really strapped for cash.

No matter how clear the omen, how obvious the warning that something was wrong, really, really wrong, it seemed the Biedermans managed to fold it up neatly and pack it away to be forgotten like all those old linens in the closet. And the copy of Tony Hawk RIDE ensconced between them.

That doesn’t mean you won’t survive this. No, no, no, no, no. All it means is you won’t survive this with me. You could very well escape New Orleans in any number of ways. But one trip to a safe house together, me and you, would undoubtedly give power to a number of hot button issues I think we’ve done a commendable job inactivating. For example, how in this relationship I am more of a hunter and you are more of a gatherer.