The tables, it seems, have been turned – at least in the eyes of 360Gamer4939. Whereas once, he had to resort to mudslinging like “GEM IS A GAY NAME” and “ROLE-PLAYING GAMES ARE FOR FAGS”, now he has a strong basis for his argument – the brief outage of an online service, for a portion of PlayStation 3 users. “The facts are finally 100% on my side – the Xbox 360 is clearly the better system.”

The meeting’s audience, which consisted of equal parts videogame press and young Japanese girls in bikinis, attempted to hush their confused chatter. The room became quiet as Itagaki lit his thirteenth cigarette in as many minutes.

“Sure, it’s happened every year so far,” said Mark Griffin, reliability officer at Xbox Live, “But this year, we’ve attached the ethernet cables with extra duct tape. In fact, I’ve used over seven rolls of duct tape on this Xbox alone. Wait, what do these blinking red lights mean? Is that bad?”

I’m going to Afghanistan. In a video game. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Because my country needs me to play this game so I can fight in a real war one day when I’m bored or just really strapped for cash.

No matter how clear the omen, how obvious the warning that something was wrong, really, really wrong, it seemed the Biedermans managed to fold it up neatly and pack it away to be forgotten like all those old linens in the closet. And the copy of Tony Hawk RIDE ensconced between them.

That doesn’t mean you won’t survive this. No, no, no, no, no. All it means is you won’t survive this with me. You could very well escape New Orleans in any number of ways. But one trip to a safe house together, me and you, would undoubtedly give power to a number of hot button issues I think we’ve done a commendable job inactivating. For example, how in this relationship I am more of a hunter and you are more of a gatherer.

“It spits in the face of all those gamers who voluntarily gave up their lives to constantly play this online phenomenon,” says Pvt. C0rnh0lio69, “It’s like he never served! If he hasn’t been on a 25 enemy kill streak, how will he ever know to hit left on the d-pad to launch our tactical nuke perk and win the match?!”

Don’t let mainstream media brainwash you with their half-truths about Modern Warfare 2. Yes, the game does feature a scene in which the player can (but doesn’t have to) shoot civilians in an airport, however, in-game context proves developer Infinity Ward to be making an insightful, necessary point about terrorism, one I’ll explain soon as you suck my balls, faggot.