According to Mr. Bomberman, he and his allies are fighting a ‘holy war’ against the ‘forces of evil’ embedded in this country, one that can ‘only be won through acts of vilence.’ [sic] He ‘has no remorse for baby killers,’ all of whom he believes ‘will be judged in the fiery fires of hell.’

However, most NASCAR fans are more interested in Mario’s present than his past. “We’re not offended by him bendin’ the rules,” said a NASCAR fan who asked to remain anonymous, “We just wish he weren’t so Italian.”

Incensed Nintendo loyalists filled message boards to offer constructive criticism like “want my binky” and “me make ca-ca.”

“We’ve been looking for a fresh mascot for some time,” says Nintendo of America’s President, Reggie Fils-Aime, continuing, “We believe Slater captures the modern Nintendo spirit. Women love him. Men remember when he was cool. Children find him totally irrelevant.”

Activision’s CEO, Bobby Kotick, has been outspoken about the game’s ability to channel the human desire to be a C-list celebrity. “The cheap booze, the empty flings, the economy class flights—these are the things gamers want to experience. Guitar Has Been provides them without the STDs, years of parental failure or crippling shame of bankruptcy.