The autobiography of the psychic wunderkind who saved the planet over a decade ago debuted Tuesday at number three on the New York Times bestseller list and features a foreword by acclaimed inventor Doctor Andonuts. It is filled with 259 blank pages.

“It’s really fun when he chases us around the neighborhood while shouting stuff,” said Aurora, who at seven is the youngest of the grandkids. “Grandpa used to do that, but he’s been really slow since his back surgery. Besides, Sinistar goes a lot faster than Grandpa ever could!”

“It took me a decade to get those jerks off of my server,” said Mr. Goodings. “My character, Darzurian Peacekiller, is a mad wizard who was out to conquer Norrath, so it only makes sense that from day one he would be trying get rid of anyone who wasn’t willing to cave to his incredibly selfish demands.”

“It’s time to look forward,” Gould said, “I cast aside my old name that alluded to a pill-popping, make believe ghost chasing, giant puzzle of life running type of man.”

Police shot and killed the local 33-year-old ape after he began to throw barrels onto the I-45 freeway. The primate’s motives are currently under investigation, though early reports blame the ape’s breakfast: a dangerous cocktail of bananas and peanuts.

But this past Wednesday morning, a local young man, Guybrush Thriftweed launched a surprise one man attack on the ship, overcoming the pirates using nothing more than a monocle, a manila envelope, some parrot chow and a temporary library card.

The game itself has been banned in most African countries since 1998. Despite being banned and condemned by religious leaders who claim that the game promotes gluttony and trivializes the spirit world, lines to play the one Pac Man machine still operating in Harare have grown exponentially over the past two weeks.

The 38-year-old Starman appeared Monday in court for a bond hearing. Mr. Starman, who recently hosted the Colorado Independent Video Game Creators Awards, served a six-month sentence in 2003 for owning several multi-bottle rockets without a permit.