“It’s all part of the job,” Mr. Dig Dug said. “I’m finding shit down there all the time. Time capsules, pirate booty, spaceships – you name it, I’ve found it. I found a dinosaur once. It was alive.”

Maive, a blind elderly woman who lets Sephiroth sleep on her couch in exchange for his protection against a neighborhood gang of rascals, says that the music helps her gauge Sephiroth’s mood. “He seems like such a nice boy, but he has quite a temper.”

“This is the kind of behavior we see among the most delusional players,” said Dr. Ng, “Most of these players were just mashing ‘fierce punch’ as hard as they could and occasionally pulled off a quarter-circle turn. Once they’re faced with online competition… Well, they may be in for a terrible shock.”

“Originally we had plans to cut costs, just put Dolph Lundgren in a Duke Nukem costume and call it a day,” said Henderson. “But Duke said he’d work for scraps. He even moonlights as our janitor.”

According to Mr. Bomberman, he and his allies are fighting a ‘holy war’ against the ‘forces of evil’ embedded in this country, one that can ‘only be won through acts of vilence.’ [sic] He ‘has no remorse for baby killers,’ all of whom he believes ‘will be judged in the fiery fires of hell.’

“The Tetris Effects is as tragic as it is uncommon,” said Edward Skyler, New York City’s Deputy Mayor for Operations. “The city hasn’t seen an incident with this high of a human toll since we lost an entire block of Lower East Side tenements in the Great Tetris of 1934.”

The match, which was broadcast live on Pay-Per-View to over a million households, was billed as “Fighters Who Didn’t Read Their Contracts”.

“My congregation has fallen upon hard times lately. We were praying for a miracle, unaware that all our prayers would have been answered if we had not turned out back on Pickacho and all his friends when they went out of style,” Pastor Belfry added.