Stupid Assholes At Your Office Obviously Never Played Final Fantasy
Thursday, 03/11/10

You can hardly contain your excitement while collating copies and forwarding memos. What will it be like to join forces with Sazh? Great warmth fills your heart as you call your mother to cancel another dinner. Mom can wait; let’s spend some quality time with a baby chocobo that lives in an afro.

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Dad Doesn’t Understand Why His Kids Find the Games in this Chuck E. Cheese So Underwhelming
Tuesday, Mar 9, 2010 – 0:39
Dad Doesn’t Understand Why His Kids Find the Games in this Chuck E. Cheese So Underwhelming

“Then why aren’t you kids having fun? Don’t you like games anymore?”

Alex, the birthday boy, who no one had seen or heard approaching the table, spoke up in his loudest voice, “YEAH, LIKE FARMVILLE!” The Mitchell family jumped in their seats, as if startled by a gunshot. “I DON’T LIKE PLAYING THOSE GAMES BECAUSE YOU DON’T GET ACHIEVEMENTS OR ANYTHING SO NO ONE KNOWS HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT THEM.”

London Philharmonic Orchestra Playing That Song from Tetris
Friday, Feb 26, 2010 – 0:18
London Philharmonic Orchestra Playing That Song from Tetris

For six minutes, one can practically see the blocks descending from behind the upper velvet curtain and settling atop the heads of the brass section. A box appears to the right of the stage, beyond the percussion on the raised platform, that visualizes the next shape in the series: a block, a zag, a zag, a line. A tally appears in the gilded ceiling of the concert hall, rocketing upward as a Tetris clears the horn section out of existence.

President Kidnapped By Ninjas: Bad Dudes Sought
Monday, Feb 15, 2010 – 5:14
President Kidnapped By Ninjas: Bad Dudes Sought

While the President’s Day weekend promised to be a joyride for many Americans, who planned to finish Mass Effect 2, drink a metric assload of cheap beer, and completely ignore the Winter Olympics, a generation is now forced to ask themselves a serious question: are they bad enough dudes to rescue the President?

Two Men Go On One-Hundred-and-Twenty-Eight Block Asskicking Rampage
Thursday, Feb 11, 2010 – 13:14
Two Men Go On One-Hundred-and-Twenty-Eight Block Asskicking Rampage

These guys mean business. They lay down the law. They don’t have the time to stop and ask themselves, ”Do all these people even belong to the gang that’s holding the mayor’s daughter for ransom?” No. Of course not. But that’s the deal, people of Metro City. If you’re on this street right now, you’re getting your ass kickboxed out of commission.

Dow Jones Sets High Score in Burnout 3
Wednesday, Feb 10, 2010 – 0:20
Dow Jones Sets High Score in Burnout 3

Time slows to a crawl. A frame of a moving van launches skyward off its axle and collides with a stray bit of The Walt Disney Company, which pings back towards Earth and glides along the pavement. Fragments of what was once Procter & Gamble lay nearby, their edges charred by flame and greed. The world’s largest stock market index clips the back of an oil tanker and spins seven times in the air, then lands derivative-first on top of a hot dog cart. And it isn’t done there…

Blue Turtle Shell Making 1,112,392th Lap Around Abandoned Moo Moo Farms
Friday, Feb 5, 2010 – 4:58
Blue Turtle Shell Making 1,112,392th Lap Around Abandoned Moo Moo Farms

The blue turtle shell is only the tip of the iceberg. One has to wonder, are there still banana peels rotting on the brunette slopes of Choco Mountain? And how many fake item boxes have been left to the elements out in Yoshi Valley? These are the things we never think about when the confetti has been swept away and the winners and losers have all been chosen.

Fighting Game Has a Lot of Hockey in It For Some Reason
Thursday, Dec 10, 2009 – 0:04
Fighting Game Has a Lot of Hockey in It For Some Reason

“One more fight,” Aaron says, his gaze focused on the screen. The 3rd period of the game has begun. There are no points on the board, because they’ve been fighting the whole time. “But we’ll have to play more hockey,” Peter complains. “Just keep checking my dude,” Aaron says.

Al Gore Memoir Spends 300 Pages on Energy Reform, 400 on NBA Jam
Wednesday, Dec 9, 2009 – 0:01
Al Gore Memoir Spends 300 Pages on Energy Reform, 400 on NBA Jam

If in 2012 the American public wants to rewind and watch the Bush/Cheney approach once again devalue our great nation, Sarah Palin is an apt, if aggressive candidate. But if what they want is a power forward with an inhuman mid-range jumper, vote Malone. Karl Malone.