“It’s shocking,” said Lynnane Runetotem, a schoolteacher who has lived in Thunder Bluff since its founding. “He was such a normal orc. Good dad, respected businessman. I guess they say it’s the ones you least expect that end up being the sickos. He transmuted Arcanite for me every Wednesday!”

“It took me a decade to get those jerks off of my server,” said Mr. Goodings. “My character, Darzurian Peacekiller, is a mad wizard who was out to conquer Norrath, so it only makes sense that from day one he would be trying get rid of anyone who wasn’t willing to cave to his incredibly selfish demands.”

“It’s been… over a month since I’ve even talked to a real girl. Oh man. Those don’t even look like breasts. Jesus. I need to figure some things out,” said the man. Curled up in a ball in his bed, he added the following statement, “Oh, man. I should call my parents more often.”

“i suppose i shuld be happy to even have a job,” he writes in one recent posting, “but i dont know how much moer of this i can take. im only hear to give experience and 2 pieces of silver. what about me? dont i deserve something more than this?”

“Guys. Guys, listen to me. Listen to this,” Mr. Phillips says before exhaling loudly. “We’re going to… okay, everyone target your target. I mean target your target… Is anyone else watching Family Guy? Hold on. I got a text message.”

Rapper Kanye West, who performed with the creature, said on his blog, “DID U SEE THAT SH!T @ THE GRAMMYS?!?! SPORE WAS IN THE BUILDING!” Lil Wayne, another guest performer, is believed to have written the whole thing off as a bizarre Sizzurp-induced hallucination.

But this past Wednesday morning, a local young man, Guybrush Thriftweed launched a surprise one man attack on the ship, overcoming the pirates using nothing more than a monocle, a manila envelope, some parrot chow and a temporary library card.

He was splayed over a bus stop bench, an assortment of canteens around him. On his back was a knapsack made out of what looked to be the skin of a cat or a dog. Zoey recognized him immediately. “Wait a second. Isn’t that the guy from Man vs. Wild?” she asked. “I swear that’s him. Bear something.”