Will sips his drink and studies his wife. “What’s the matter? Are you hungry? Tired? Need to go to the bathroom? Bored? Nervous? Eager? Want to meet the new neighbors? You’re bored. I know what you need. Tomorrow we’ll buy some plants and a jack-in-the-box.”

Mr. Newell rises from his seat, takes a sip from his Portal mug, and proceeds to hack his computer to pieces with his broadsword. After he has converted the three-thousand dollar machine into a pile of fine dust, he sits back in his chair and pulls a new one out of a desk drawer.

Only six copies of the materia have been located across Gaia. Though the summoned Badasx Aeris does not actually serve any function in combat, reports show that diehard fans of the martyred flower girl from Midgar are gathering in taverns and summoning her as many as fifty times an evening.

“I think it has somethin’ to do about how one death can be meaningless and stuff in the face of so much meaningless,” said Fidobito, who scored over thirty kills with only grenades and a hunting knife.

A member of Vensidia emailed Hardcasual footage of the encounters, which we reviewed repeatedly. Set to a song by Evanescence, the footage shows Vensidia’s main tank initiating combat over and over again with Lady Bubblechest and immediately being smothered to death by her beautiful, delicious titties.

“Originally we had plans to cut costs, just put Dolph Lundgren in a Duke Nukem costume and call it a day,” said Henderson. “But Duke said he’d work for scraps. He even moonlights as our janitor.”

According to a source on the internet, a ‘resonance cascade’ is an “interdimensional rift that has the tendency to be extremely destructive on the dimensions it has torn.” It was invented by the creators of Half Life and has no grounding in real science.

An industry insider who wishes to remain anonymous revealed to Hardcasual that the instant crash button, or ICB, isn’t going anywhere. “Yes, of course it’s unnecessary, but you’d be surprised how many things in games are these days. Loading screens? Yeah, right.”