No, no. This has nothing to do with the time I smoked opium and killed Mecha-Hitler. I’m not allowed to tell that story anymore. Your mother’s rule, not mine. Besides, aren’t you proud that Grandpa Blazkowicz mowed down the most evil man of the twentieth-century with a rail gun?

This is my first time meeting the Duncans, a family not unlike most. Their house is a beige-paneled ranch in the suburbs. Their dog is a Labrador adopted from the pound. And their mother is addicted to Peggle.

I wish I didn’t have to rely on such a public forum to express my concerns with the way you run the Brood, but my repeated attempts to meet with you in your royal chrysalis at the top of Mount Carkrax were nixed by an Overlord with a zealot up his creep-sack.

“No need to freak out just yet, Ezio. Remember: it’s the Renaissance,” the chiseled nobleman tells himself with the kind of awareness that comes only by being possessed by an annoying bartender from the future. “A lot of things are being invented right now. This is probably just another fad, like Humanism.”

“An MMORPG is a much bigger beast than a regular RPG, therefore harder to hide – kind of like the difference between a Star Destroyer and the Death Star. So we said, is there any way we can make a Star Wars game this big without George knowing about it? The answer was a resounding, ‘Might as well try!’“

Charlie was astonished when Morhaime opened the vault door. He had never seen so many cubicles in his life! “This is where we make the magic. Go ahead, touch any of the employees. They’re real. Just don’t ask them to stop working.”

“I’m deeply sorry to my fans and my family, and anyone else who I may have hurt through my reckless quest to quench my thirst,” Mr. Wendel says. “I recognize that my actions have ramifications and hope that in time you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. I feel like I’ve fragged each and every one of you.”

Some may say that the writing in Red Faction: Gorilla is “lacking in depth,” or that it “may have been written by a seven-year-old whose only knowledge of a gorilla came from a ripped up ZooBook.”