WHAT ARE THE ODDS? – 20 Points – You were connected with five women in a row.

BUY A LOTTERY TICKET – 50 Points – A woman stopped her pathological “next”-clicking to ask you whether you wanted to see her practice her striptease routine.

Though his father promising to return home when Duke Nukem Forever came out was just a little joke, Roger lies on the couch all night, stares at the ceiling, wishing and hoping that Duke Nukem Forever sticks to a release date and finds its way to the shelves of a Best Buy near him. Please, God. Please let Duke Nukem Forever come out. That’s the only way I’ll ever have a real family, like you and Jesus have.

Time slows to a crawl. A frame of a moving van launches skyward off its axle and collides with a stray bit of The Walt Disney Company, which pings back towards Earth and glides along the pavement. Fragments of what was once Procter & Gamble lay nearby, their edges charred by flame and greed. The world’s largest stock market index clips the back of an oil tanker and spins seven times in the air, then lands derivative-first on top of a hot dog cart. And it isn’t done there…

EXT. SPA – GOLDEN HOUR
DANICA PATRICK, naked except for a clandestine white bath towel, sprawls on a massage table. BIG DADDY, in a revealing tank top, lumbers above her, squeezing out a bottle of oil onto her back.

As Greg collects his jacket and car keys, he thinks about the day that he was given his marching orders from his father outside the tool shed on a swelteringly hot Alabama evening. Do what you love and everything will fall into place, his father had said, ever the benevolent quest giver. His words should have been the beacon with which Greg navigated his way through life. Instead, they were ignored, and now they rang in the bitter halls of his resignation.

“Oh, cool, you like video games? Well, uh, my friend just played BioShock 2. Yeah. And he liked it. Or I think he did, I can’t tell. He won’t tell me until the embargo runs out. Isn’t that cool? Yeah, it is. Yeah, just keep talking me like you think I’m cool until your cousin looks over here. Yeah, then she might think I’m hot and then she’ll tell her friends. No, that’s not the only reason I’m talking to you. What’s your name? Oh, yeah. Great. Now look excited.”

Teddy makes his way to the bar and sidles up next to a blurry blonde stick sitting by herself. She turns towards him, her gigantic pink nose rendering, her bloodshot eyes flickering on bright and her lips chapping before him. She’s a hideous, stringy witch of a woman, twenty pounds heavier than any other girl at the bar; a being worthy of being alone, especially at a place like this. Now Teddy must find a way to dump this ugly chick, and fast.

Yes, I know it’s really hard for you to make gut decisions, what with your Asperger’s and all, but I think that once you’ve mastered tackling things without the aid of a d20 in the safe confines of Todd’s basement here, you can take this way of thinking up those stairs and out the door, and maybe find yourself on a date with a woman that you don’t have to excuse yourself every half hour to make a secret roll in the men’s room.