Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #1:
The areas on your body that have Axe Body Spray on them are inherently more awesome than the parts of your body that don’t. In fact, sometimes the areas of your body that don’t have it applied will attack the parts that do, purely out of jealousy. That’s why you have to apply Axe Body Spray to all parts of your body at all times. You can die if you don’t.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #2:
Studies show that people who wear Axe Body Spray get into 80% more conversations about Axe Body Spray than people who don’t. Any chance to talk about Axe Body Spray is a chance to make your day better.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #3:
Though Axe Body Spray is not a substitute for good hygiene, some men have been known to go weeks without showering, purely off the power of Axe Body Spray. They all got laid, too.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #4:
Every commercial that depicts Axe Body Spray turning women into horny sluts has been shot with real women who didn’t know they were being filmed.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #5:
Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray Axe Bodyspray.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #6:
President Obama uses Axe Bodyspray on a daily basis. Or, if you hate President Obama, substitute Glenn Beck’s name in there.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #7:
Axe Bodyspray has been around since 1983, which is around the time that the Famicom came out in Japan. In a way, the two have intertwining destinies. Without Axe Bodyspray, there would be no Famicom. Without the Famicom, there would be no Axe Bodyspray. The point is that Axe Bodyspray has a lot to do with video games.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #8:
The Holocaust happened before Axe Body Spray was invented. Coincidence? Highly doubtful.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #9:
Every Axe Body Spray comes with a 1 in a 1,000,000 chance of having sex with Megan Fox. Of course, you have to be at the same supermarket that she shops at. And she has to be very lonely. And you should be either Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #10:
Axe Body Spray thinks Hardcasual is a website worth giving money to. Not that they gave us any, but they certainly showed interest. We were like, No way. We’ll do this for free because we love Axe Body Spray so much. So we did.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #11:
Axe Body Spray was the inspiration for Disneyland.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #12:
When you are old, you will refer to the time before you started to us Axe Body Spray as the “dark times”. And if any of your grandchildren say something bad about Axe Body Spray, you will beat the living shit out of them.

“It was raining.  Pouring, really.  The kind of rain that makes it look like a Blastoise is right outside your office window. The kind of day you don’t use a Geodude or an Onix.  The kind of day where the whole world is under a Jigglypuff’s spell. Maybe the Bulbas enjoy this.  Not me.

I rolled off my office couch (my bed for the last three days), and felt the overwhelming sensation that I’d become a fat Snorlax somwhere between December and now.  I looked at the empty Pokeballs around the room.  Some of them different colors: the ones that once tamed a stronger breed out there in the field.  The colors that denote an ambition I lost a long time ago.  Sure, I used to be just like you.  I hungered.  I yearned.  I wanted to be the very best.  Like no one ever was.  But somewhere along that grassy road I heard one to many people shout “!” and I just lost sight of the cause: to train them- Huh!  Even catch them at all.  Now, I just wait around sucking a lonely cigarette as the rain patters on my window.  It’s funny:  my name meaning the waste after a fire.  Maybe I didn’t give up at all.  Maybe my entire life I was just the end of a cigarette.  The butt of one big joke.

My lighter’s out.  If only I still had a Charmander around.  Maybe even a Scyther to cut the end of a cigar I’ve been saving for a special occasion.  Now is as good a time as any to- What’s that?

A knocking at the door.  Probably just the mail.  I’ll let him drop it through the slot.  They always deliver the mail don’t they?  Rain or shine.  As dependable as a Machop against most types.

This woman at the door had a level ten pair a legs, and the face to match.  I didn’t recognize her at first, but the R on her shirt told me the whole history.  We used to be enemies.  Looked like now we’d have to work together.

“Tell me, baby.  How’s the rocket business?”

“The Rocket was a racket the whole time”

“Really?  The Rocket’s a racket? Who could have seen that coming?”

“Not even a Kadabra and a Kirlia put together.  I know we’ve mistreated you in the past, but that was the past.  I need your help.  I’m down on my luck these days.”

“Mewtwo?”

“What?”

“A bad joke.”  I felt like a Magikarp.  I couldn’t even get her to crack a smile.  I was all washed up and covered in water.  And my joke had just flopped.

“Please, I need you more now than new trainer needs a Poke Center.”

“Well this should go swimmingly.  Just leave your card on my desk, and I’ll get right back to you.”

“You always were good at brushing me off.  I guess you have bigger adventures to worry about.”

“I’m done with all that.  Ever since Oak died, I haven’t been worth the ethers I’ve been huffing.  I’ll do your dirty work for you.  Unless your cat is still willing.”

“Just go to this address, and take the photos…For old time’s sake.”

She handed me a card, and closed my door as she walked out.  I took my camera from my desk drawer, and blew the dust off.  I hadn’t used this thing since Professor Oak sent me on that wild psyduck chase on the Zero-One.  I didn’t want too, but I was dying for a paycheck.  I haven’t felt good about a case since the whole world went Digi.  But this was gonna be an old school job, and I was just the guy to do it.  I already had a lead on a first-gen Pokemon.  It was time to take a quick look at my old friend Pikachu.

Further reporting by Dan Wilbur.

Research by the Rhode Island School of Marine Biology

“This is not how we wanted to shoot my cover image, and you know … there were a lot more photos we wanted to shoot, maybe some where I smile or growl or somethin’, but we won’t be able to accomplish that because, wherever I go, this fly keeps landing in my eye…  makes it sort of look like I’m crying,” said Tebow. “Can you imagine? Me? Crying? Like a baby?”

Shaun Black has a smile on his face for the first time in nearly a decade. Black (23) is prone to unhappiness; he is a devoted fan of death metal, something his active LiveJournal page can attest to.

Today, though, as he passes from under the cool January sun floating over the Las Vegas strip into the main hall of CES, Black can’t help himself from cutting his curling lips some slack. Attending the Consumer Electronics Show has long been a goal of his, one made attainable by his recent promotion to Assistant Manager at Best Buy.

He may be the most green behind the ears attendee, but you wouldn’t know it from his carefully assembled outfit: dusty cords, a Black Sabbath tee and Tevas with socks. He walks with a confident slouch and runs and runs his fingers – freshly greased from morning pizza – across the screens of some nearby cell phones.

Across the walkway, a group of journalists in plaid button-ups gather around a semi-circular table. They wear grey 3D glasses, and stare off a few feet at a 50” flat screen television. It’s hard for Black to make out what’s on the monitor, the 3D effect mushes the image like a colorful stew, but if he had to gauge off the journos, what’s on that screen is the most astounding, most brilliant thing at CES. And journalists aren’t susceptible to hype.

Black grabs his swag bag off the ground and leaps over to the table with a speed even he didn’t think he had in him. But it’s too late; all the glasses are taken. Except those on the floor. Right there. The ones with glowing vortexes for lenses.

Oh just wait till my 15 Twitter followers hear about this! thinks Black as he pulls on the glasses.

Vwoosh!

Shaun stands amongst a field of ash tress from which thousands of men are hung by their tongues. They scream for relief from an eternity of pain in a synchronous, harmonic and lispy groan.

HELLLLLFFFFFF UTTTHHHHHHHHH! HELF UTH, THAUNNNNNNN!

Through the thicket of dangling legs, Black sprints, until he reaches a pond into which he dives. But this place is no safer. Arms wrap round his waist and pull him down into a bath of gore. Women, everywhere, and with them, the heads of their aborted children, spitting fire into their eyes. One spits at Black, but his glasses deflect the lava.

“The glasses,” Black shouts, his legs straining to keep him afloat. “It’s the glasses.” He plucks them between his thumb and index finger and yanks, sending a sharp pain from the behind his ears up and over to his forehead. The glasses, they’ve have been stapled to his head with the finger bones of unbaptized infants.

It hurts, but he peels loose the skin down around his ear. His fingers claw beneath the soft flesh and plies loose the boney staples. With blood gelled over his hands, he must use his forearms as fleshy tong to draw the glasses off.

“Those 4D glasses are a trip, right.” says a CES representative with a sideways smile like a parenthesis. “Our product is the only one coming to marker that offers not just the ability to see the 3rd dimension, space, but also the 4th dimension, time. So? What’s your future look like?”

Black opens his mouth, but all that comes out is some drool. The rep points at the Sabbath t-shirt, which is soaked in sweat. “Your future must have been a real trap.”

Black sits himself down in the cafeteria. He empties out a shopping bag marked “Vegas Tours” and reviews his takeaway: a bible, a pair of blue jeans and a Will Smith CD. These are the cornerstones to a new life.

Tetris 2: This Fall, Things Comes Full Circle

Uwe Boll, the German director responsible for turning video games such as Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, House of the Dead, Postal, and Dungeon Siege into feature films, announced today that he will be turning his local Gamestop into a movie.

The film, which is tentatively titled “GameStoppers: Fight for Blood 666,” is described by Boll as “a nine-and-a-half hour journey into every video game that has ever been put on a shelf,” adding that there will be “big explosions” and “lots of hot women with their boobies out.” If this film is anything like his previous adaptations, there will also probably be several car chases.

According to James Bartwood, an assistant manager at the Gamestop scheduled to be adapted, said that Mr. Boll frequents the store as often as three times a week, oftentimes with a notepad where he jots down ideas and inspiration. Once, he was forcibly removed from the store for tearing off his shirt and demanding that other customers ask him for his autograph.

“I’m just worried that he’s going to adapt me into some fat, unfunny jackass,” said Mr. Bartwood, referring to Mr. Boll’s propensity for steering his films away from the source material. “I’ve talked to a lawyer already, but she says that it isn’t really defamation if no one sees the movie.”

Despite having begun production this morning, Mr. Boll is already shot half the film, which stars Michael Madsen as a serial killer and Clint Howard as a child-molesting dragon.