The U.S. Supreme Court has decided to consider a California law that would make it illegal for retailers to sell violent videogames to minors.  Let’s take a look at some past court cases where the pixel met the gavel.

• Fantastic Steve vs. Super Mario

While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins.  Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom.  When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act.  Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.

• Drew Bauer vs. You Bunch Of Fucking Homos

In early 2008, Xbox Live gamer Drew Bauer made news when he attempted to sue an entire server of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare players.  Bauer claimed that his fellow gamers had ruined his experience by being “pussy actin’ campers” and apparently “sucking each others balls”.  The case was dismissed, but Bauer claimed he found restitution when he “fucked all ya’lls moms”.

• Activision vs. Gift Horse

Activision achieved record-breaking sales numbers with their incredibly popular series, Gift Horse.  So, it made perfect sense when the publisher took Gift Horse to court in order to destroy it.  During the trial, CEO Bobby Kotick looked the money-maker right in its mouth – and then stabbed it to death.  Allegedly, the horse is being reassembled elsewhere from its spare parts.

• Your Grampa vs. Those Goddamned Nazitendos

Sure, your grandfather was in World War II, so you try and have patience with him.  When he took Nintendo to small claims court – claiming the company was run by a zombie Hitler – well, that was just too far.  Remember how embarrassed you were when he stood in front of the judge and talked about the PokéHitler Youth?  He screamed about that all the way into the white mental hospital van.  It’s weird; all the kids are wearing Pokéwalkers now.  You know who else wore a Pokéwalker? Hitler.

• Schwarzenegger vs. Video Software Dealers

All mild-mannered, California governor Schwarzenegger wanted was a vacation. Instead, he discovered a nefarious scheme being plotted by the Video Software Dealers. After playing one of their violent videogames, Arnold realized that his entire life was a lie.  All this time, the videogame dealers knew of a secret, alien-crafted reactor that produced oxygen.  The bastards just wouldn’t turn it on.  Well, all that changed when Schwarzenegger took them to court – the court of ultimate, white knuckle action.  He laughed maniacally as he mowed down the evil Software Dealers in a hail of legislation and bullets.  Standing in a pool of blood, he knew that finally, the children would be safe from violence – consider it a divorce.

Further contribution by Hardcasual’s Matt Clark.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #1:
The areas on your body that have Axe Body Spray on them are inherently more awesome than the parts of your body that don’t. In fact, sometimes the areas of your body that don’t have it applied will attack the parts that do, purely out of jealousy. That’s why you have to apply Axe Body Spray to all parts of your body at all times. You can die if you don’t.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #2:
Studies show that people who wear Axe Body Spray get into 80% more conversations about Axe Body Spray than people who don’t. Any chance to talk about Axe Body Spray is a chance to make your day better.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #3:
Though Axe Body Spray is not a substitute for good hygiene, some men have been known to go weeks without showering, purely off the power of Axe Body Spray. They all got laid, too.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #4:
Every commercial that depicts Axe Body Spray turning women into horny sluts has been shot with real women who didn’t know they were being filmed.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #5:
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Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #6:
President Obama uses Axe Bodyspray on a daily basis. Or, if you hate President Obama, substitute Glenn Beck’s name in there.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #7:
Axe Bodyspray has been around since 1983, which is around the time that the Famicom came out in Japan. In a way, the two have intertwining destinies. Without Axe Bodyspray, there would be no Famicom. Without the Famicom, there would be no Axe Bodyspray. The point is that Axe Bodyspray has a lot to do with video games.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #8:
The Holocaust happened before Axe Body Spray was invented. Coincidence? Highly doubtful.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #9:
Every Axe Body Spray comes with a 1 in a 1,000,000 chance of having sex with Megan Fox. Of course, you have to be at the same supermarket that she shops at. And she has to be very lonely. And you should be either Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #10:
Axe Body Spray thinks Hardcasual is a website worth giving money to. Not that they gave us any, but they certainly showed interest. We were like, No way. We’ll do this for free because we love Axe Body Spray so much. So we did.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #11:
Axe Body Spray was the inspiration for Disneyland.

Reason to buy Axe Body Spray #12:
When you are old, you will refer to the time before you started to us Axe Body Spray as the “dark times”. And if any of your grandchildren say something bad about Axe Body Spray, you will beat the living shit out of them.

This week’s best/worst thing to happen to the internet ever, Chatroulette, has made an exciting announcement for gamers – the addition of a cadre of point-granting achievements. The randomized video-chatting site, full of penises, drunk college students, and the occasional Turkish convenience store attendant, has already caught the attention of the media. But while it deems itself a “game”, this is its first voray into the hearts and minds of the hardcore gamer.

Hardcasual is the first news source to deliver the exclusive details of the initial round of achievements.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS? – 20 Points – You were connected with five women in a row.

BUY A LOTTERY TICKET – 50 Points – A woman stopped her pathological “next”-clicking to ask you whether you wanted to see her practice her striptease routine.

A BIG, BRIGHT, SHINING STAR – 5 Points – While exposing your genitals, get someone to watch for more than 10 seconds.

MIGHT AS WELL – 10 Points – Sign on to ChatRoulette while your girlfriend is asleep.

AUDITIONING FOR SESAME STREET – 10 Points – Spend more than two minutes “talking” to a puppet or stuffed animal.

UNCLEAN. SO, SO, UNCLEAN – 20 Points – Shower for more than 20 minutes attempting to clear an image you’ve seen from your head.

WELL, THAT HURTS – 10 Points – Have someone stop masturbating when you show up in their feed.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S TUESDAY? – 5 Points – Spend more than 3 hours on Chatroulette.

1. The ones in that game where the girl’s taking a shower and it looks like a real shower and she looks dead behind the eyes. Man I bet those things would have been so fun to play with if I lathered my hands up with some shampoo or body lotion first.

2. The ones in that game with the quick-time events. I caught myself looking at them so often that I totally missed the story, unless the story was about them awesome titties.

3. The ones in that game no one played, but like everyone saw the video on YouTube, right? Man, that shit was weird.

4. The ones in that shockwave poker game. They gave me a one card stud in my pants, if you know what I mean. A boner. Because those tits were so damn nice.

5. The ones in that game where you solve a block puzzle and it reveals a little of her skin; and you solve another block puzzle and you see some more, like maybe her boobs; and then you solve the final puzzle which reveals her penis and you’re all like this is so not what I want from my block puzzles games.

6. The ones on the front of the box of that game I found in the bargain bin. They were bigger than I’ve ever seen. That’s not why I bought it, though. I bought it because I love 4X Strategy.

7. The ones on that game where you’re killing bears. They were all draped in flannel and shit, which is normally a huge turn-off for me, but I guess I was so fucking hot from killing all those bears that I went full mast in the middle of a crowded bar and loved it.

8. The ones on that girl who is pretty much famous for having great tits. Yeah, I know this is an obvious choice but if I didn’t include it on the list I’d feel like such a pretentious snob. Plus, have you looked at those things lately? They’re out of fucking control.

9. The ones in the handheld game, where you have to collect all the little people fight each other or some shit. I don’t remember exactly what the point of the game is, all I know is that halfway through the game this chick with massive bazoongas shows up to fight you and I’m like, “Yes, please!”

10. Those ones in that online RPG, where she’s like, probably being played by a dude, and you’re supposed to be killing the King of the Undead or something but all you want to do is be like, “Pause raid” and max out your Titty Touching trade.

11. The ones in that old cartridge that my uncle popped in when I visited him at the tender age of eleven. He was like, “You want to see something really cool?” And I was like, “Sure.” And he was like,  “Okay, but only if you don’t tell your Mom.” And then he showed me this little dude fucking this little chick onscreen for points and I was like, forever changed. I was all, “Video games are awesome!” And he was like, “Shut up and drink this beer.”

Sonic the Hedgehog and An Entire South Island Nightclub, 1992
The world’s fastest hedgehog got himself in a lot of legal trouble and nearly lost a lucrative position as Sega Corporation’s new mascot after one ill-advised night out at Special Stage, an exclusive nightclub on South Island. Sonic – who was in the middle of a nasty divorce with his wife over allegations that he was sleeping with underage Sonic  co-star Amy Rose  – apparently had sexual intercourse with over thirty-seven women, all in the course of a half-hour. Though none of these women filed any charges – they themselves would have been charged with bestiality – the South Island Police Department managed to find the mischievous blue Lothario guilty of “reckless endangerment” and “speeding”. A month later, a visibly proud Sonic appeared in court for three seconds, where he was struck by the judge’s gavel and the coins were collected.

Zack and Bass Armstrong, 2003
In the early 00’s, things were coming up Zack. Hot on the heels of his successful run as a chief DoA fighter, Zack found a life-changing windfall in the mysterious treasure of an undead pharaoh. With a bottomless bank account, the fighter turned resort man with Zack Island, a tropical resort which played hot to his prurient bikini volleyball tournaments. The jig was up, however, when his fiancé, Nikki, found in their penthouse hot tub a naked Bass Armstrong. Zack, set to lose his fortune in the divorce, died en route to the first hearing in a freak meteorite accident.

Cortana and SHODAN, 2006
When YouTube went down for over eleven hours one November morning, many blamed a team of Russian hackers who had been talking about taking the site down for years. The real story turned out to be more bizarre, when spokesmen for the site revealed that they had been infiltrated by none other than Halo mainstay Cortana, who apparently had deleted massive amounts of data to cover up a relationship she had been having with SHODAN, the god-like A.I. from System Shock 1 and 2. Though publicly outed as a cyber-lesbian in the press, the courts allowed Master Chief’s best helmet pal to hold onto the incriminating evidence, which itself had been obtained illegally. Though Cortana and SHODAN parted ways soon after – she’s now dating GLaDOS – their relationship will forever be remembered as the one that took down an entire website.

Kratos and Lindsay Gouldstein, 2008
Long a symbol of masculinity, Kratos was the full package until flight attendant Lindsay Gouldstein spoke to OK Magazine about their three-month affair. Among the many juicy bits, the God of War’s less than godly jewels and sub-human stamina “He doesn’t know how to hold a women,” said Gouldstein. “He would tweak my nipples in half-circles and smash my [REDACTED] like some sort of button.” With his Sony contract shredded, the bald star first grew out his hair for a contestant role on Dancing with the Stars, then disappeared into obscurity. Early word says Kratos’ upcoming performance in Miramax’s Mr. Clean biopic – Clean as I Wanna Be — is Oscar worthy and could inflate his punctured career… but not his flacid ego.

Duke Nukem and Parker Posey, 1999
Professional asskicker and babe-saver Duke Nukem had a lot going for him in the summer of ‘99. He had four eponymous blockbuster titles under his belt and was about to release the biggest title of his career, Duke Nukem: Zero Hour on the Nintendo 64. That all changed when Entertainment Gaming Monthly released photos of the Nukester sipping tea with indie darling Parker Posie (Waiting for Guffman, The House of Yes) at a cafe in Chelsea wearing, get this, plaid flannel. Rumors began to spread that Nukem and Posie were, in fact, seven months into a serious relationship, and that Nukem planned to pop the question that winter. His credibility was forever ruined. The two called it off weeks later.

Dance Dance Revolution
That guy isn’t dancing by himself. He’s playing a game. It’s called Dance Dance Revolution. I don’t know why it says dance twice, Grandma. Maybe because they really like dancing. No, I don’t think they have the Charleston. It’s more like break dancing. You know, street dancing? Yeah, like Michael Jackson. There are pads on the ground that sense where their feet are. American Bandstand? I don’t think so.

Silent Hill
Whoa! Don’t look at the TV, Grandma! Just leave the room! Dad! Come get Grandma! No, I have no idea where your sweater is. Well, why did you put it in here? This is my bedroom, not a coat check. No, I’m not watching a movie. I’m playing a video game. I know it looks like a movie. That’s because the graphics are really good. He’s a pyramid head. He’s chasing me with a sword, which is why I can’t help you find your sweater. Because if he catches me he’s going to cut me in half and wear my skin as a hat, Grandma! Why are you screaming? Stop screaming! Dad!

Beatles Rock Band
It’s the Beatles, grandma. I control them. No, I can’t make them get a haircut. See, I play this plastic guitar to their music and… Because I don’t have time to learn real guitar.  Because I’m busy. Yes, Grandma, busy playing video games, very funny. No Grandma, I don’t have any plastic groupies. Would you just – Dad, Grandma’s doing the stand-up routine thing again!

Katamari Damacy
It’s a game, not a Japanese dish. It’s about this little green man who wants to rebuild the Moon. And the stars. Why? Because his Dad blew it up. Because he was drunk, like Grandpa was. The story is actually really unimportant to be honest, Grandma. What’s important here is the game mechanic. Game mechanic. No, it’s not someone who fixes games. I know it sounds like that’s what it should be, but it’s not. It’s how the game operates. Yes, I know it runs on electricity. I meant inside the game. What’s on the computer, Grandma. No one has ever made a game where you have to roll a giant ball of stuff that gets bigger and bigger. I just told you why! So he can rebuild the moon, Grandma!

Wii Sports Bowling
Wow, Grandma, you’re really good. Where’d you learn to bowl. Really? With Grandpa? Everyday? Yeah, I miss him too. Sure, you can bring it home. I don’t use it much anyway.

Halo
Chill out. I’m not killing people, Grandma. They’re aliens. Well maybe you should get your prescription glasses checked. I’m the only one who can defend Earth. I’m the Master Chief. Chief, not chef. It’s a military rank. I know he was in the army, Grandma. I’ve seen his purple heart. This is nothing like Normandy. This is on Earth way in the future. That’s Cortana. She doesn’t have to wear clothes. Because she lives in my head, Grandma. Just like you did when Grandpa was killing the Nazis.

Harvest Moon
No, I don’t want to help with your garden. Because this is a video game, and in video games pulling weeds is fun. The goal? To have a clean farm. To impress the girls in town. You marry them. In the video game. I have not called Fran’s granddaughter. I don’t want to. Yes, Grandma, because I’d rather be pulling weeds.

Grand Theft Auto
It’s not what you think. I have to steal these cars. Because I’m going to sell them to charity or something. Uh…to combat childhood leukemia. Right, just like a modern day Robin Hood. Oops. Well, sometimes you accidentally run over a pedestrian or two. But this money I get for this car is going to save at least two kids, so I think I’m balanced out karmically. Damn it. I mean, darn it. Those are cops. Because they saw me run over that woman. Can’t do that, Grandma. Because if I pull over, then I can’t sell the car, and then where would all those bald kids be? That’s right. Dead. Damn it. I mean, darn it. I’m cornered. Okay, so now I’m going to have to shoot a cop. Just one though. Think of the sick kids, Grandma.

“haven’t you guys seen 28 days later? they live at the end”
Scott, 26
Safe Room 2, Dark Carnival

“Lucy if you read this, I’m probably in the Bahamas drinking cocktails and repopulating the planet.”
Jeff, 42
Safe Room 3, Hard Rain

“All this running’s really sculpting my glutes. Every survivor I meet compliments my ass. Maybe I shouldn’t have married so young. Maybe Dave’s death and undeath is just like God’s plan for me to get laid more. I feel 10 years younger!”
The new and improved Leah, 34
Safe Room 2, Dead Center

“maybe being a zombie feels like being on cocaine. man, i miss cocaine.”
Lindsay, 22
Safe Room 3, Hard Rain

“call 555-3940 for as good a time you can have now that everyone close to you is gone.”
Ramona, 24 – Safe Room 2, Dead Center

“i’m sure some scientists somewhere (in China?) are working on a cure and are gonna find  it right before we really really REALLY need it. i know i always found my car keys two seconds before i was going to be late for work.”
Allen, 31 – Safe Room 1, Dead Center

“If anyone sees a man in a Disneyland 25th anniversary jacket, that’s my husband Kevin. Don’t shoot him. Last I saw him he was being clawed in the face by a witch, but I have this feeling he’s still going strong. He has a way with women.”
Penny, 45 – Safe Room 4, The Parish

“don’t worry everyone, we’ll make it through this. ‘it’s not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything.’ Fight Club said that.’”
Jake, 18 – Safe Room 3, Swamp Fever

“this will make an awesome movie some day!!! (too bad Will Smith is dead)”
Derrick, 17 – Safe Room 2, The Parish

“Safe Room 3 has the tastiest brains in the city.”
Joe, The Literate, Critical Thinking Zombie – Safe Room 3, Swamp Fever

7:31 PM — A chubby twenty-something joined the line, introducing himself to his friends as “Tinolin” from “Gorefiend”. His shirt was covered in Oreo crumbs, except for the rectangle on his belly where he rests his keyboard.

9:58 PM — A homeless man walked down the line asking each person for change and no one gave him any, despite the fact that he was a Vietnam vet who had at one time participated in real modern warfare.

10:10 PM — A seventeen-year-old boy drank Diet Mountain Dew.

10:23 PM — A man in his fifties in the back of the line hummed  “Ricki Don’t Lose That Number”, prompting the man in his forties eleven people in front of him to hum it as well. For the people in between, it was like being inside a broken stereo stuck on a shitty song.

11:43 PM — A frazzled mother who had been in line for over an hour asked the two teenagers in place behind her to “save her place” while she “checked on her baby in the car.”

11:59 PM — A fourteen-year-old girl looked at her reflection in the game shop window and understood her holding a place on line for that handsome new boy from Algebra class will not win his affection and that maybe her mother was right about lowering her standards.

12:14 AM — After learning the game shop had cleared its stock, a nineteen-year-old college freshman returned to his dorm with his hoodie pulled up. This will spoil his three-month effort to embed with the cool guys three rooms down. He will spend another night talking to his roommate –a small, pale, balding young man — who no doubt will be sleeping naked and without blankets.

Everyone Else Went Tubing
Spend 50 hours or more playing games in one weekend.

Sausage Test
Have no female friends on Xbox Live.

Spoiler: The Yankees Win
Play a previous season’s sports game.

But Quizno’s Pays Minimum Wage!
Buy three games that your Xbox Live friends have already had for over a month.

Maybe You Should Buy a Wii
Take twice as long to beat three games as a normal XBox gamer.

Who Wants a Body Massage?
Pleasure yourself to climax with XNA vibration app.

Crisis Hotline
Accidentally kill yourself in every game you own.

The Lost and the DebtPurchase The Lost and the Damned or The Ballad of Gay Tony without having finished Grand Theft Auto 4.

Dos!
Celebrate UNO victory and make number two over Xbox Live Vision Cam.

Basement Leech
Pay for over three games with a parent’s credit card.

Sleeping on the Couch Again?
Log a play session between 3 AM and 5 AM.

Friends Are For the Weak
Play a single-player game on a Friday night.

Red Ring of Denial
Log more than five under-two-minute play sessions hoping your Xbox won’t red ring again this time.

This week brings the 2009 Tokyo Game Show, and with it an assortment of rumors, speculation, and Western journalists remarking about how wacky Tokyo is. We thought we’d share a few of the rumors that have come across our desks in the past few days.

10. SEGA Announces Yakuza 4 Will Arrive Everywhere but US

9. 5000 Reporters Go into Epileptic Fits at Mention of Last Guardian

8. Some RPG Announced that the Japanese People Seem Excited About

7. Microsoft to Buy EA, Laugh Maniacally for Hours on End

6. Wii Price Dropped to $200, Remote Price Raised to $80

5. Tokyo Fans Wait on Line for Hours to Play Tokyo Subway Sim 2010

4. American Journalist Finds Single-use Real Doll Difficult to Dispose of

3. Garnett Lee Extols Virtues of Bidet in Drunken Shinjuku Haze

2. Sony Presser Interrupted by Level 2 Mothra Attack

1. American Male Nerd Crushes on Half of Japanese Population