“It was raining. Pouring, really. The kind of rain that makes it look like a Blastoise is right outside your office window. The kind of day you don’t use a Geodude or an Onix. The kind of day where the whole world is under a Jigglypuff’s spell. Maybe the Bulbas enjoy this. Not me.

A representative for Nintendo told us, “The Nintendo DSi’s camera serves many purposes – a way to show that we’ve slightly improved the product, a feature we can add to press releases, a theoretically useful piece of technology. We never thought that it could actually be used to take photographs, but it just goes to show the ingenuity and resourcefulness of Nintendo’s fans.”

I could go to work. It’s just, the commute is a real hike. Especially in the cold. No way is it more than 15 degres out and the office is all the way across town. By cab or subway that wouldn’t be so bad, but by foot across town might as well be across the Mississippi.

Kefka summons a meteor storm down on the party. The giant burning rocks deflect off the Returners’ skin like tiny pieces of hail. Sabin counters by punching Kefka’s face off. “What the…what the hell was that?” Kefka screams.

“Bowser-only-have-a-couple-more-weeks-a-to-live! I’m-a-take-care-of-this!” Luigi shouts as he prepares to punt a turtle shell. Mario holds out his hand. “Let’s-a-think-about-this-a-little-bit…” he says.

We’re in the spare bedroom that he has converted into a makeshift classroom. Behind him, Luke is prying a bejeweled necklace off the dug up skeleton of a nobleman. Every few seconds he stops to spit in a bucket.

“The Tetris Effects is as tragic as it is uncommon,” said Edward Skyler, New York City’s Deputy Mayor for Operations. “The city hasn’t seen an incident with this high of a human toll since we lost an entire block of Lower East Side tenements in the Great Tetris of 1934.”

When asked what his future plans were for his DSi, Perris expressed great excitement about the upcoming camera-enabled Wario Ware game. “I’m totally gonna play that… with my cock!”