I totally wanted one of these when I was a kid. They were basically the coolest thing in the world – and now, I look at it, and it just fills me up with all these feelings that I haven’t had since then. I mean, remember when you were excited about things? When everything seemed to be going your way?

I bet you don’t have any kids. If you did, you’d know that it’s just not feasible to keep them happy for more than a few minutes. So what do we do? Shut off our ears until they tire themselves out and go back to bed. Now shut up and heal me.

This has been a month let me tell you. Things have been both good and bad. Good things that have happened are that I have eaten many delicious eggs and both of my brothers surviving the measles. Bad things that have happened are that I stepped on land mine and exploded my legs.

Crazy week for videogames, right? But you’ve just been reading Kotaku, huh, poser, so why would you know? But you’re all like, oh, Totilo this, death of New Games Journalism that, but you have to really get it from the source. Oh, the source? Yeah, you should really be listening to my podcast.

The man, who looks to be around fifty years old, has ratty bleached hair and large scar across his right cheek. He is trying to collect enough change to print his own version of the Bible.

Noby Noby Boy is about the impracticality of a third party in the American political system, and how it’s unfair. See, the BOY is like the Republicans, and the Democrats, and then GIRL is the higher cause of… What? Shit, man, watching this dude eating has got me hungry. Wait, what time is it?

“Games journalism is such a hard world for a man to break into. Look at, say, Leigh Alexander. What’s she ever done? I mean, obviously, she’s been like an editor at every major news source on the internet, and she’s been working for decades. But her blog? People just read that shit because she’s a girl.”

Shove those adorable little balls of fluff into wooden crates, stacked three high, and leave them at the front door. If you fail to meet our demands by 7PM this evening, we will kill one hostage on the hour, every hour. We’re not fucking around. We’ll do it.