I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs until we bought this game, man. She’s totally breaking you and me up just like she broke up Lennon and McCartney. In fact, this is even worse, because we’re more than just creative partners… we’re roommates.

Help me understand this: you sons-of-bitches have been throwing away all my hard-earned profits on an interactive movie where a Donald Duck beats up Negros with a giant key, but you still haven’t cured cancer? That’s it, put me back in the freeze.

No, no. This has nothing to do with the time I smoked opium and killed Mecha-Hitler. I’m not allowed to tell that story anymore. Your mother’s rule, not mine. Besides, aren’t you proud that Grandpa Blazkowicz mowed down the most evil man of the twentieth-century with a rail gun?

If Nazis were like Charmanders, Nazi Zombies were like Charizards. They were bigger, and meaner and they breathed fire! ROOOOOOOARRRRRR!

I wish I didn’t have to rely on such a public forum to express my concerns with the way you run the Brood, but my repeated attempts to meet with you in your royal chrysalis at the top of Mount Carkrax were nixed by an Overlord with a zealot up his creep-sack.

I don’t get you people. So what if we showed play mechanics that we have no hope of possibly implementing? So what if we shot a car chase for an RTS? So what if we hired Samuel L. Jackson to play a gay vampire-hunter? That video is IN THE GAME, people.

I don’t know quite what you were thinking when you thought you’d show him how cool it was to be a Japanese dogfighter. Or when you told him, “Oh, don’t worry, we’re leading, so we’ll respawn quicker. As long as we control more of the points on the map, we’re basically invincible.”

This machine, with its RGB camera, depth sensor, multi-array microphone, and custom processor running proprietary software, as well as its ability to track up to four human users for motion analysis, is clearly the precursor to the killing machines of the near-future that haunt my dreams every night.