“It’s a wider audience, Val,” he said. “Broad doesn’t mean bad.” What an asshole! I mean, look at you guys. You’re dressed in pastels! Is that so you can keep track of each other in dungeons? God, I fucking hope so.

When my wife sees me pull into the driveway with this juicy morsel in tow, she’ll have to forgive me for all prior transgressions. Then the kids will follow suit. Everything will go back to the way it was. It’s a fresh start. A respawn. Redemption, thy name is Green Mushroom!

“The most recent game I liked was Shadow of the Colossus, obvi. It’s the only one with any artistic value. It toys with a narrative form that is rarely explored in video games. By the end, you become the very monster you set out to destroy. It’s reminiscent of Cloud’s unreliable narration in Final Fantasy 7. He’s actually a clone of Sephiroth! Could you guys believe that? That’s deeper than anything else going on in WoW.”

I can only guess what the Oregon Trail was really like. Typhoid might be a serious disease no amount of salt can cure! What if, god forbid, protecting the world from dangerous space mutants turns out to be just as un-fun as serving in Afghanistan.

I had never even heard of Rock Band. If you had told me, “Oh, yeah, it’s a videogame where you pretend to play the drums to songs,” I would have laughed at you. But how innocent I was. Turns out that was wrong, though. Rock Band is a videogame where at 2 in the morning, someone decides they want to try to play Metallica just by stomping their foot on the ground of the room right above your bedroom. And failing. Seven or eight times in a row.

He doesn’t go to church! So it’s like his prayers are part of some made-up Manson Family cult. If that cult’s only membership requirement is to be embarrassingly bad at Power Cruising.

“It’s the nature of Google. The strong make it up stream. The weak flounder,” says Activision CEO, Bobby Kottick. “That said, we do understand cod’s having a reel hard time.”

As we all know, niche is the new broad. FOX has the conservatives. MSNBC, the liberals. We need our corner of the market that will blindly obey our marching commands in exhange for content that meets their concrete personal beliefs. We high-up’s at CNN have spent countless, sleepless nights asking the big questions, namely ‘What demographic can make us the most money?’