So I was wondering, Mr. Siegel – what exactly is this “gamerscore” you have listed under “awards and achievements” on your resume? It seems like quite a large number – 24,550 as of 12/12/09, you say – but I can’t say that I can place it under any of the references I’ve seen before. I don’t know who or what this Ga-mere is – am I saying it correctly? Gah-mayre? Gay-murr? Is it a standardized test? A college competition?

Mike counts out the drawer. A couple thousand and change all in a glorified Ziploc bag. He presses down the “we don’t trust our own employees” pressure sensitive ink seal, tosses the bag with all its dough in the back of the store safe and locks up the office. Everyone calls it the office, but it’s really just a 3’ x 3’ converted broom closet in the back. They all joke how they’d kill to work in an office. Any office. Even one like the broom closet. But preferably one like the TV show.

What do you mean you’ve never heard of it? It’s only the coolest thing ever invented ever. Don’t let the name fool you, there’s nothing boring about it. Dad says he got it on one of his business trips to Lotsland. He goes there a lot and when he gets back he eats a lot of turkey and sleeps for days.

I’m going to Afghanistan. In a video game. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Because my country needs me to play this game so I can fight in a real war one day when I’m bored or just really strapped for cash.

Henry Ford’s power didn’t come from money, but an ancient, magical relic codenamed PE-4. (I’d be crazy not to concede I was off by a little.) Ford tested the remnant by repressing his workers with mind control! And he mastered it by partnering with Hitler and suppressing the Jews…with mind control!

If we’d a rolled over and let all y’all egghead senators and…uh…congressionals…trample our second amendment rights, do you think we’d a lived as long as we have? Hell no! I mean, I can beat down a few sons’a’bitches with this here guitar, but a whole city-full? Boy, that’d a been hell on my arms.

That doesn’t mean you won’t survive this. No, no, no, no, no. All it means is you won’t survive this with me. You could very well escape New Orleans in any number of ways. But one trip to a safe house together, me and you, would undoubtedly give power to a number of hot button issues I think we’ve done a commendable job inactivating. For example, how in this relationship I am more of a hunter and you are more of a gatherer.

Don’t let mainstream media brainwash you with their half-truths about Modern Warfare 2. Yes, the game does feature a scene in which the player can (but doesn’t have to) shoot civilians in an airport, however, in-game context proves developer Infinity Ward to be making an insightful, necessary point about terrorism, one I’ll explain soon as you suck my balls, faggot.