An early peek into his spiral notebook of dirty words shows that the child has a cursory understanding of most body parts, although our suggestion that he try adding “labia” and “grundle” to the list only received confused stares. When asked about his research for the list, he told us that he had several sources on the playground, including Peter, whose older brother knows a lot of dirty words, and Michael, who taught him how to say “shit”.
Some may say that the writing in Red Faction: Gorilla is “lacking in depth,” or that it “may have been written by a seven-year-old whose only knowledge of a gorilla came from a ripped up ZooBook.”
Evan Williams, the CEO of Twitter, told us, “We always hoped that Twitter would give games journalists a platform to express themselves. To express themselves as racist, homophobic, gossip-mongering twats with a desire to profit off the dead. We also added the favorite feature for the possibility that someone could call a dead person ‘a plastic chunk of child molestor’, which is both offensive and horrible, and yet the best possible use of Twitter.”
“Olivia has gotten all the press for not going nude,” the guy said. “Crecente did all of his hardcore shit before he got famous, and Totilo was still in a flesh-colored g-string in that shoot for Nerve. But I do a classy spread in Playgirl, and nobody even remembers what my name is. Do you?” No. We don’t.
Over the next two hours, Berryman grows increasingly agitated with the game. “How am I supposed to remember all these buttons? Shit, if they’re gonna rip off Gears of War like this, they might as well rip off the real controls. Lame.” A bottle of Scotch quickly disappears.
Diego Veracruz, the GameStop employee who handled Gregory’s account, said, “that was a bunch of lame old shit, anyway. I would be happy to get rid of it. Seriously, I mean, a Dreamcast? He expects to trade that in? Sure, I mean, I guess I’ve heard of it – in my grandmother’s encyclopedia.”
“As anyone who has seen the inside of a sex toy store can assert,” Richardson continued, “The design of the PS3 ‘wand’ is clearly based on the Hitachi Magic Wand Body Massager*, a notoriously powerful sex toy and massager perhaps best known for its appearance on an episode of Sex and the City.” The crowd remained silent as Richardson held for what he clearly expected to be applause. “Likewise,” he pressed on, “The Wii Vitality Sensor is modeled on a number of finger vibrators, such as the Yoni Finger Massager Portable Personal Massager*.”
*: Please note, any vibrator purchases through these links will help offset Hardcasual’s bandwidth costs.
A member of their focus group spoke with us about his input. Going by KILLA_KILLA_420, the young man released the statement: “FUCK U HOE U SHOULD SUCK MY BALLS HA HA PWN NOOB FAIL”. When asked for further comment, he pointed at his groin and said “JUMP ON THESE NUTS”, then repeatedly incorrectly insulted our racial background and sexual orientation.
