Rasool: You don’t really expect a terrorist leader to get a real sense of ennui upon seeing the infidel government fall to pieces under a hail of bullets and missiles – but I mean, what, do they think we never played Fallout 3?
“Sure, I haven’t played one of these FTSes since Halo 3, but I was really good at that,” he told us. “Plus, I loved that game – it was amazing that they managed to fit a full 40-hour campaign onto one DVD. Beat that, PS3!”
This week brings the 2009 Tokyo Game Show, and with it an assortment of rumors, speculation, and Western journalists remarking about how wacky Tokyo is. We thought we’d share a few of the rumors that have come across our desks in the past few days.
Attempts to drag more excitement out of the game led Walsh to throw a number of Beatles-themed Rock Band parties. “It turns out all people want to talk about is why their favorite song isn’t in the game. Jennifer, my girlfriend, was all like ‘Where’s “Hey Jude”? Where’s “A Day in the Life”? What the fuck is “Boys”?”
Mario, the league’s chairman, said in a brief statement: “We here at the Mario Kart circuit come from a simple culture, where men are men, women wear bows and bake cookies, adults can race right alongside their infant selves, and monkeys and reptiles can race go-karts together.”
One eyewitness in San Francisco told us, “It was like they all just came up from the ground all at once. I don’t know how they know what day it is – I’ve certainly never been able to understand it. But sure enough, there they were, and they were all screaming at the top of their lungs, ‘CRAZY TAXI! SHENMUE! NFL 2K2!’ I’ve got to say, it was completely terrifying.”
Jeremy wears a huge grin across his face. His wide-open eyes are ready for any glimmer of the acceptance he’s sure he’s finally merited. After what seems like an eternity, Billy Gruber finally turns to him and says the words: “We’re talking about Arkham Asylum, faggot. Shadow Complex is so two weeks ago.”
The most serious claim against the architects is their puzzling decision to color-code the possible destructibility of all doors, vents, and hatches with the use of direct illumination. “We’re scrapping the first batch of luminophilic, missile-destructable doors,” reads one letter from the architects.
