He takes a long swig of his beer, then falls backwards off his barstool. When he lands on the floor, he quickly shouts, “I’m not drunk! I’m jussst lookin’ to see if anyone dropped their iPhone 4G down here! Looks like… Nope, nope, not yet. Barkeep, you wanna top this one off? Looks like stthomebody sthpilled a bit.”
One industry professional described the news as “like hearing I’d have to see Avatar again in the front row. I’m just imagining a sequestered review session of 3DS game – 12 hour days of staring into a tiny ‘3D’ screen, feeling my eyes slowly attempt to worm their way out of my head to avoid the suffering. I mean, I thought staring at a HDTV for hours a day was bad – just think what it’s going to be like to stare into a grainy screen while monsters “leap out at me”. I think I should become a dentist.”
One citizen shared this grievance: “We’re only asking for a little transparency here. I’m willing to pay a property tax- heck, I’d even throw money at him for the ‘don’t stab me in the back’ tax- but I’d at least like to know beforehand where the money is going. I mean, I can see why we need a well for fresh water, and I understand why a brothel might attract more tourism, but a Thieves’ Guild? Really? How does that help the wealth of a city? A safe zone to train more thieves to rob people? Where does the money go then? Back into the hands of Ezio’s Architect, who then remodels the Thieves’ Guild?
Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?
“I mean, I could pretend like I was waiting for the second generation. Or even just that I had a pre-order for a 3G one. But no one would believe me. I mean, look into these eyes. These are the eyes of an empty soul. These are the eyes of a man who knows that he is missing just one thing from his life – and he is unwilling to take those final steps to claim it,” Mr. Baker told us. “I mean, if I could limit myself to just the 16 GB model, then I could probably afford one. But I know I couldn’t stop there. I just know it.”
“I just want to watch the Scott Pilgrim trailer with her over and over,” said Ross Horsefeld. “I mean, she’d just really get it. And if she was Knives Chao, I’d never leave her for that white girl. Even if she was in Final Destination.”
PAX East is taking over Boston this week – what, guys, was the Cleveland Convention Center full? But a conference is a conference, even in Beantown – so get ready to have some fun. Just don’t go near the Big Buck Hunter machine if you’re sober, and don’t say LOL out loud – it’ll ruin your chance with that cute cosplayer.
Mr. Ryan, of course, speaks of the Vita-Chamber, the invention that has shaken the world. Indeed, President Obama’s health care plan would offer all US citizens the right to usage of Vita-Chambers – “from the most downtrodden splicer to the Biggest Daddy, all should have the rights to resume their playthrough of this American dream,” as Obama put it in his State of the Union address. Critics, though, like Mr. Ryan, doubt the efficacy of the plan: “I mean, some people die every five minutes – they just can’t figure out how to use their Plasmids correctly. Why should I pay their bills?”
