Bonjourno!  Come inside.  Let me take-a your coat.  Go ahead, take off-a your shoes and put them on the rack here.  Any friend of Luigi’s is a friend of mine.  Except for the ones he goes to those clubs with.  I don’t-a like those guys.

Not that I don’t like-a them because they’re a homos.  I like homos.  I mean, I have friends who are homos and I don’t-a care what they do as long as they don’t hit-a on me, you know what I mean? You… are… eh…?

So you like-a my one bedroom apartment?  It’s a little different from my usual accommodations, I know, but the princess and I are a-trying something out.  What-a you say?  Oh, you already- heard about her and I?  You must-a been reading those tabloids, you silly drybones.  You can’t-a believe everything you read, you know.

Let-a me set the record straight for you.  I hope-a you like Velveeta nacho cheese dip because I’m-a gonna heat some up for us.  It’s-a gonna be so good.

Those pictures with-a my friend Daisy?  So-a staged.  See, it’s-a going to be so funny when I-a explain it to you.  What-a were doing was we were playing a little game where she takes off her dress and walks on the deck of my friend Bowser’s airship while I touch-a myself beneath my swimsuit.  What-a you don’t see in those pictures is us a-laughing about how silly it all is and taking out a scorecard to keep tally.  We call it “Touchy My Spaghetti Monster” and she gets points for making me as firm as a Thwomps tooth.  Completamente innocente!

Oopsie doopsie.  The cheese needs a little more-a time in the microwave.  You want a Koopa Cola?  I have-a Diet and-a Caffeine Free.  Let me get-a you a glass.  Looks like everythings-a dirty.  I’ll just-a rinse something out from the sink.

That article from the Kingdom Reporter, the one that a-quotes me saying that I think the Koopas should give up trying to settle on the Sandy Star Coast?  That was taken out of context. I’m not anti-Koopist.  I was just-a saying that if they’d stop-a planting their turtle shells on land they haven’t had in… twenty-a years…

Ah, nuts!  I got a little cheese on my raccoon-skin robe.  I hope you don’t mind if I slip out of it…

Oh, this?  Yes, I see how-a you could be a little confused as to why I’m-a wearing my fireball outfit beneath my robe. ..

It’s ah… well it’s-a very comfortable for one.  And two, well-a…

(Sigh)

I’m-a so tired of lying.

This is a me, Mario.  I like-a to wear my fireball outfit all the time.  I don’t know when it-a started happening.  Maybe a couple years ago is-a when I started pocketing fire flowers and eating them at home.  My brother, he says it’s because I eat too many-a mushrooms and it warp my brain, but I don’t believe him.

The truth-a is, it-a make me-a feel so alive.  All I know is I can’t-a go back to feeling like-a I did before.  You see, this is the real-a me.  And I’m not ashamed-a.

It’s other people who can’t-a handle who I am.

The princess, she’s-a in another castle.  She moved out three months ago when she found out.  We didn’t want to make-a big deal about it so she left quietly to stay-a with Geno. I’m sure she-a likes him because he’s a little puppet.  I stayed in the palace for a few weeks but it was-a too depressing.  I felt like I was-a being followed around by a Boo, but it was just the ghost of our failed-a love.

Bowser, he don’t even-a return my calls.  It’s like I just-a dropped off the face of the planet.  He’s-a so judgmental for a single-father who rides around in a flying buggie with a clown face on it!

And Luigi, my own-a brother, he takes me aside and he says, “People aren’t-a ever going to understand, so don’t even bother.”  And for a second I believe him, but I don’t-a want to hide my secret-a no more.  You understand, don’t-a you?

Yahoooooo!  I knew you-a would.

Please, won’t-a you have a seat on my turtle shell chair and talk-a with me for a while?  And this Velveeta nacho cheese is warm and it’s-a so good!