“This Alternate Reality Game Is Just Fantastic Marketing,” by Chad Stone, Games Journalist

When I started receiving bizarre packages at the office, I was immediately hesitant.  Every time I turn around, some gaming PR firm is trying to gain media attention with viral videos and Alternate Reality Games.  After a month of this most recent ARG, however, I believe it is one of the most expertly crafted marketing campaigns ever.

The first package arrived in a plain, large envelope.  Inside, I found a simple letter adorned with type that appeared to be cut out of different magazines.  It plainly stated, “You’re gonna die, fucker.  I’ll cut your head off with a shovel.”  I didn’t want to get involved in some lame ARG, so I just threw the letter in the trash.

About a week later, I received another package.  This time, it contained a dead fish.  Nailed to the fish’s head was a note, which read, “Get ready to die you piece of shit.”  Our publication’s gift policy clearly forbids the acceptance of free food, so I dropped the large cod off at a local food bank.  Still, the game was beginning to intrigue me and I decided to perform some online research.  A sword, a fish, and decapitation – the official seal of Maryland features both a shovel and a fish!  What game publisher is in Maryland?

A couple weeks went by without another letter.  Then, the ARG increased in intensity.  During the course of only one workday, I received 355 phone calls to my cubicle from a man named “Earl”.  Initially, the man on the phone just kept repeating stuff about “removing [my] guts with a shovel” and listening to me “scream like a bitch” while my head was “chopped off”.  I really enjoyed telling him to bring it on – he seemed so genuinely angry!

Then, during the final phone call, Earl gave me the clue I needed.  “After I’ve murdered you,” he began, “I’ll fill your body with rocks and throw your corpse in the river.” That’s when it all finally came together.  Exactly 355 phone calls, just like Maryland Route 355, which runs through the city of Bethesda to Rockville!  Filling my body with rocks; Rockville, Maryland!  That’s it!  This ARG was being perpetuated by Bethesda Softworks.  How could I have been so blind?

I immediately called Earl back.  “I’ll meet you at the abandoned warehouse,” I told him, “I’m really looking forward to seeing Brink!”  Earl seemed confused.  I guess he didn’t count on the super perceptive detective powers of Chad Stone.

“I’m Going To Fuckin’ Murder Chad Stone,” by Earl “The Shovel” Crupp, Serial Killer

The moon is full once again.  It’s time to put on my mother’s panties and cleanse the city.  The Dark Lord requires blood, and ol’ Earl’s shovel is going to find it.

You think this is a game, maggots?  Everything’s a game to your generation.  Well, we’ll see who can play a game.  We’ll see who has the highest score in a little game I like to call Shovel In Your Fuckin’ Neck!

Usually, when someone receives one of my letters they get the message pretty clearly.  This kid Chad, though, he must be slightly retarded.  I sat in a building across the street, using a pair of binoculars to watch him open the first letter.  He had the audacity to laugh at my death threat!  That bastard just tossed it into the trash and went back to playing some game where he shoots foreigners.  I was so upset – I was barely able to make love to that cod that night.

It’s not that I have anything against game journalists – I think they’re wonderful people.  I just also happen to think Chad Stone’s head needs to be cut off with a shovel.  I’m sure we’ll have a riveting discussion about “games as art” before I fill his chest cavity with rocks and dump him in the river.

Well, it’s time to put on the clown makeup and head to the warehouse.  Next time, I’m going to send out checks and severed hands with my letters.  Let’s see game journalists laugh about that.

Further reporting by Hardcasual’s Matt Clark.