Earlier this month, Nintendo made the rare move of pre-announcing the Nintendo 3DS, their new portable gaming console which promises “3D games without 3D glasses”. While the announcement surprised many for its unusual candor, even more surprising was the unintended side effect for millions of gamers above the age of 13 – a pounding migraine headache in anticipation of the eye strain to be suffered while playing the system.

The news, while rare in the industry, is hardly unique among Nintendo’s history. One gamer we talked to told us, “When I was 13, a friend from down the street had a Virtual Boy, the short-lived “3D” Nintendo Virtual Reality console. I played it for half an hour at his house, before I realized that my head felt like it was being pounded with hammers. A week later, I had to get prescription glasses, which I still wear to this day.”

One industry professional described the news as “like hearing I’d have to see Avatar again in the front row. I’m just imagining a sequestered review session of 3DS game – 12 hour days of staring into a tiny ‘3D’ screen, feeling my eyes slowly attempt to worm their way out of my head to avoid the suffering. I mean, I thought staring at a HDTV for hours a day was bad – just think what it’s going to be like to stare into a grainy screen while monsters “leap out at me”. I think I should become a dentist.”

Vision professionals have already begun warning parents about the side effects of using the system. “You know how your parents warned you not to sit too close to the TV, or you’d go blind?” said one doctor. “Well, if you actually play this thing, you’ll probably go blind. No kidding. Based on my inside reports.”

Theories about Nintendo’s motives for releasing such a dangerous console range from “attempt to destroy the vision of American children” to “if people are nearsighted, the Wii’s graphics will look better”. However, above all else, they appear to be latching onto the 3D trend that is sweeping the world. “Just think,” one Nintendo insider told us, “the rest of the industry is making Clash of the Titans. We’re making Clash of the Titans – the 3D Experience. All I can say is… Release the Kraken!”