Barkeep, I’ll take a gimlet of whatever those knights are drinking. Yeah, I’m old enough. I know I may look young, but I spent a few months “of age” a couple years back. I’m sure you’ve heard the stories. Magical ocarina? You know who I am, right?

No. It’s not Zelda… It’s Link.

It’s okay. This happens all the time.  People hear “The Legend of Zelda” and they automatically assume that I’m Zelda. I’m not angry at you. It’s not your fault. It’s the rotten drunk who told my story and named it so poorly that I’m angry at.

Plus, it’s been going on so long that I’ve become accustomed to it. I don’t even correct people anymore. I just say, “Yeah. I’m Zelda. I’ll sign your leather satchel. I’ll have an artist draw a portrait of us together for a couple rupees.”

Case in point: just this morning I was buying some bombs at the store, and as I’m checking out, the owner gives me this big smile and says, “Here you go, Mr. Zelda” and hands me my bag. What do I do? I don’t say anything, because what good is correcting the guy going to do? It’s not like he’s going to hop on his horse and ride around Hyrule, telling people that the name of the guy who saved his ass from Ganon twenty times is Link.

In fact, I’d bet fifty rupies against it. These shopkeeps, they don’t get out a whole lot. Most of them don’t even own horses. And that’s most of the problem right there.

These people, these locals, they don’t worry about anything but what’s happening in their little neck of the woods. Whenever Epona and I roll in, it’s always like, “I’m so glad you’re here, our underwater city has been frozen!” or “There ‘s a band of thieves in the mountain pass that’s making it hard to get mail!” or “All our chickens got out of the pen!” I mean, give me a break. Open a scroll, people.

Princess Zelda was born over a decade ago. Did they really not know her name? Of course they didn’t. I mean, for crying out loud, she’s just one third of the tri-force.

The tri-force? The tri-force is… you know what? Nevermind. You know what, barkeep, I’ll take another one of these. You only live once, right? And buy a couple for those guards in the corner. Tell them they’re from Link. L-I-N-K.

You’re right, I guess it’s not the worst thing in the world, really. I mean, I didn’t save Hyrule for the credit, did I? Sure… it’s good enough for me that people know that every hundred years or so a guy wearing all green saves the world from an evil wizard-pig. That’s about as specific as I can hope for you people to remember.

Still, it’d be nice if the awards I have hung up in my palace bedroom had my name on it, not my girlfriend’s. And it’d be nice if the kids that follow me around whenever I ride though were shouting my real name.

I’m pretty much over it, but if I ever run into the old wandering soothsayer who coined “The Legend of Zelda”, despite the fact that Princess Zelda did very little legwork in the struggle, I’m probably going to tie my hookshot to him and leave him hanging from the rafters of the Temple of Time. I’m sorry, but I’m only elvan.

That’s enough for me, thanks. Just put it on my tab. It’s… uh… under Princess Zelda.