Seriously, man…what the fuck?!

You know, when you invite your buddy over to kick some Left 4 Dead 2 zombie ass, the last thing you expect is to have your things covered in a thin layer of shit.

That dumbass, Mike, calls me up this afternoon asking if he can come over and play some Xbox.  “Sure,” I said, “We can take turns playing.”  The next thing I know, Mike’s sitting on my couch squirming back and forth like he’s got a gerbil trapped in his colon.  Turns out, I was partially right.  But instead of a gerbil, his sphincter was holding back a turd that would make an African elephant blush.

That jerk stands up suddenly, right as he’s about to be attacked by a Jockey, and runs out of the room.  “What the Hell are you doing?” I yelled at him. “Oh, uh,” he said, “I just need to take a leak.”

That “leak” lasted 15 minutes.  I went and made a sandwich, ate it, and purchased no less than three sassy accessories for my Live avatar before he emerged from the bathroom.  What’s worse, after he was finished lining my toilet bowl with Satan’s chili, I noticed the absence of one distinctive sound.  The sound of his filthy hands being washed.

Mike came strutting into the room, grinning like he had just lost twenty pounds.  “What did I miss?” he said, plopping down on the couch and immediately picking up my controller.  I could imagine his disgusting butt butter desecrating what I hold dear with each press of the “A” button.

No, I didn’t actually see any feces being applied to the controller – but I knew it was there.  I refuse to eat the free peanuts at the bar for the same reason.  Sure, they look delicious, but they are secretly coated in urine-soaked filth.  My God, my controller has been reduced to a free bar peanut.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong.  I am not a germ freak.  I’m just a very hygienic person.  It’s completely normal to soak your silverware in hydrogen peroxide after having dinner guests over, regardless of what my ex-girlfriend says.

When Mike left later that afternoon, I took the defiled peripheral outside and set it on fire.  That may sound a bit extreme, but I’m pretty sure the Board of Health would approve.

Sure, this was a terrifying event, but I’m not going to hold any grudge against Mike.  I’m really looking forward to going over to his house to play PS3 tomorrow.  His toothbrush and I have a colonoscopy appointment.

Further reporting by Hardcasual’s Matt Clark.