Lord Bloodcrow, ruler of all Gorgox, hero of the Pan Galactic Confederation, slayer of the blood thirsty vampires of Corvus XIII, and rider of the great space worms of the X Quadrant, crosses his moat of blood to reach his castle made of bones from his dead enemies.

His latest campaign, intended to rape and pillage the cosmos in ways we’ve never seen, ended, instead, in a days long battle with Ordox, the Planet Devourer. Lord Bloodcrow tricked the beast into a white dwarf star, but not before losing his trusty laser sword in one of its many toothsome maws.

It has been a long week.

He retreats into his private study, made of the most opulent marble in the 5 universes. He sits on his dire wolf fur seat, in front of his transdimensional viewer, a device from the deepest reaches of Dimension X.

He loads up a copy of Heavy Rain, and immerses himself in its unique fantasy world.

Oh! The many wonders this world offers! Oh fleshy man-beasts, in their close knit hovels. Oh, the mechanical vehicles, that don’t require the taming of a horse. A world of prepackaged food, and unwavering devotion to clocks. Where the women dress like men, and the men are weak and woman-like. How quaint, to track down a single killer through guesswork and investigation. And what great killer decides to hide his work, anyways? Be proud, thinks Lord Bloodcrow. He does not understand, but is intrigued.

He feels strangely at calm. Does he not find a bit of novelty in the cleaning of teeth (why not wait for others to grow in?). Does not the rhythm of the brush not soothe the bloodthirsty killer within him? Does the act of tying his superiors tie, not remind him of the many generals he’s served under when he was a fledgling prince? And does not worrying over a single child (for his virility has ensured his brood span the stars) not have a certain appeal?

And does not Lord Bloodcrow, throwing the controller in frustration after getting his avatar beaten to a pulp by missing all the button prompts, not find some novelty in not winning a battle for once? And to a mere mortal of all things? The one lesson he can take away from this experience, one that Lord Bloodcrow has not learned in his many space battles against the fearsome Atar Vikings, is one of humility. A sobering lesson in such a fantastical affair.

Afterwards he tries to play a bit of God of War 3, but finds it uninteresting and strangely mundane.

By Hardcasual’s Canadian correspondent Filipe Salgado.