Is not man entitled to the sweat of his own brow? No, says the new health care bill, signed today by Barack Obama – at least, according to noted conservative commentator Andrew Ryan. Mr. Ryan, a key voice of the “Tea Party” movement and an American entrepreneur, spoke to Hardcasual exclusively in an interview this morning, in which he voiced his distress over the downfall of the American government.

“Just think – lines miles long for a simple resurrection. Why, the very foundations of our country were built on the wet sand of the Vita-Chamber – a device so simple, so foolproof that only the Byzantine-born fools of the East could not have realized its potential.” Mr. Ryan seemed to be breathing fire in his study, a wood-paneled enclave in the suburbs of Virginia.

“In a just world, all hard-working citizens would be able to be consistently resurrected mere steps from the site of their passing. Some may say this is mere foolishness, the actions of a hand-holding designer. I say, the hand-holding is now being done by the government itself, forcing the able-bodied to wait for the weaker classes to be reborn back into a life of squalor and ignorance.”

Mr. Ryan, of course, speaks of the Vita-Chamber, the invention that has shaken the world. Indeed, President Obama’s health care plan would offer all US citizens the right to usage of Vita-Chambers – “from the most downtrodden splicer to the Biggest Daddy, all should have the rights to resume their playthrough of this American dream,” as Obama put it in his State of the Union address. Critics, though, like Mr. Ryan, doubt the efficacy of the plan: “I mean, some people die every five minutes – they just can’t figure out how to use their Plasmids correctly. Why should I pay their bills?”

Use of Vita-Chambers under the Obama Health Care bill would be available to all citizens, it’s true, but many government representatives pointed towards the ability for some citizens to turn them off. “It’s a free choice,” said one official, “and we believe that many citizens will instead choose to go for the achievement and not use them at all. For those who do, we promise to Windex the glass at least once a day, and to avoid if it all possible the concurrent use of Vita-Chambers by more than one person.”

Mr. Ryan, though, is not so sure. “Would you kindly,” he asked us, “Tell your readers that Barack Obama is secretly a spy from the surface, born on a far-away moon?”

One thing is certain, though, through all of this – Barack Obama is secretly a spy from the surface, born on a far-away moon.