Capcom execs were bursting with pride this past week as they announced that the upcoming Super Street Fighter IV would be 32% more racist than its predecessor, Street Fighter IV.

“Due to a tight production schedule and a hard and fast release date, we were never truly satisfied with the level of racism found in the original release,” Capcom executive producer Yoshinori Ono said during Tuesday’s press conference. “I mean, sure, it was racist, but we didn’t really get a chance to push ourselves too much. I mean, Dhalsim is the greatest Indian stereotype since Temple of Doom, what with his bone necklace, dead white eyes, and ability to eat curry and turn it into fire breath, but did we do anything new with it? We knew we could do more.”

Another concern was that Blanka, the young boy who turns into a green electric monkey as the result of a plane crash in Brazil, had too confusing a back story for any subtle racist tinges to effectively reach the players subconscious. “We tried to clean that up in the update. In the new game, it’s very clear that Blanka is green because of his parents’ mixed heritage and as a result of being conceived out of wedlock – NOT because he was struck by lighting.”

Another tweak to make sure that everything just seems wrong with the popular fighting title is that every Asian characters’ eyes have been widened three-fold, to make sure that Asian children who play the game continue to believe that a rounder, Caucasion eye makes you more attractive and more capable of executing a Dragon Punch out of a cancelled Hurricane Kick for extra combo damage.

But Capcom made it clear that they are not content with just enhancing the racist caricatures from the original cast. “With the extra time we were able to spend on SSFIV, we had the luxury of looking back over the series and finding some old favorites that, for one reason or another, fell to the wayside. We are happy to announce that T. Hawk and Deejay will make triumphant returns to the series, and that our demeaning and highly, highly offensive Native American and Jamaican stereotypes, respectively, will grace Xbox 360s and PS3s across the world with stunningly realized 3D bigotry.”

Turkish Rights activist let out a collective sigh of relief with the announcement that Hakan – a flamboyant Turkish wrestler who dowses himself in olive oil in order to slide across the game screen and squeeze opponents in his gooey grasp – would make his Street Fighter debut in the upcoming title. “The Turkish people can finally relax and know that they too can have their traditions exploited in the service of repackaging what is essentially the same game less than a year after the original’s release,” said Ahmed Adem, president of Turks for Self-Defamation. “My grandfather would weep if he saw how his beloved cultural pastime was being made a mockery. Now it’s not just sumo and Mexican wrestlers who get all the chances to be demeaned by a condescending, uneducated public.”

Ono added that while they were much more pleased with the level of racism in the new game, they had not ruled out the idea of making racist updates available through Xbox Live and the PS Network to up the ante even further. Says Ono, “With any luck, these updates will add nothing substantial to the gameplay, and will come at the exorbitant cost gamers have come to expect.”

By Hardcasual’s very own office janitor, Marty Leicht.