Since I arrived at school, I’ve been reading a lot of Chomsky, and I’ve been a dyed-in-the-wool ever since.  But like Noam said himself: “The values that we hold are not absolute.  They are always contingent…They come into conflict”  And the conflict I’ve encountered in my new Civilization games leads me to one conclusion: THE JAPANESE GOT WHAT THEY DESERVED!

Oh my god.  I’m so sorry.  I’m so so so so sorry I said that.

I just – In this game, I’m playing as the Greeks.  But instead of an imperialist democracy, I decided (from the get-go!) to make peace with every nation.  I explored the land and seas carrying a message of love, rewriting the history of Alexander the Great.  Little did I know that no matter what diplomacy I tactfully employed, as soon as the Japanese founded Islam, they would become an industrial powerhouse whose soul purpose is to destroy other nations!  What was I supposed to do?  Just let them take over my newly built Statue of Zeus and Chichen IItza?  I’m sorry, but the Greeks did not work tirelessly on the Eiffel Tower of Thermopylae just to see it ripped from their peace-loving hands by a bunch of Fascist blood-thirsty Barbarians!

THEY’RE JUST PRONE TO KILLING!  IT’S IN THEIR NATURE, PLAIN AS DAY!  THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THEM IS TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE-

Jesus Christ, what am I saying?

What would the  level-headed Chomsky have to say about this?  That’s right: “You never need an argument against the use of violence, you need an argument for it.”  Well, Noam I can think of one good argument: the Japs started it!  How ‘bout that, YOU PUSSY?!?!  Look, I’ll fix the fall-out as soon as I trade the Egyptians more uranium for Ecology.  I’ll get it done and cleaned out in one turn!  Is that fair?  Is that a reasonable course of action against these tyrants?  HOW BOUT I JUST WIPE THEM OFF THE PLANET EARTH?!

I wanted it to end peacefully.  I really tried too.  I wanted to take over other cities purely by cultural merits.  After all, the Greeks did found Monotheism, Judaism, Christianity, and Rock N Roll right?  I mean, tell me if I’m wrong.  And the Japanese invented Buddhism, correct?  So they should have been the MOST peaceful. BUT NO!  They came at me with their countless hordes of inhuman warriors and catapults, and when they ran out of troops because I (thank god!) prepared my cities for such an attack, they’re the ones proposing a peace treaty?!  FUCK NO!  HOW BOUT A PEACE TREATY THAT INVOLVES YOUR ENTIRE EXTERMINATION, JAPAN!?!  ICBMs AWAY!  2 ON NAGASAKI JUST THE WAY GOD WANTED IT!

Oh no.  Oh, no no no no no no!  I’m so sorry I said that.  I never wanted to- Wow.  Look, Tokugawa, let’s let bygones be bygones.  I won’t openly trade with you because (rightfully) most of the world hates you, and that would take me down in favor with Germany.  And there’s no way I’ll open my borders, but how bout this: I will never invade you again, nor will I drop any more bombs on your cities.  In fact, I will be the country that founds the UN.  It’ll only take my superior people a few turns to build it.  I understand if I don’t get 75% of the votes needed for a Diplomatic Victory.  I’m happy to just be the one who begins the healing process.  Remember Noam’s words: “Either there will be a world without war or there won’t be a world.”  So…no hard feelings.  I’ll never let my aggressive side get the best of me ever again.

Here, take these pigs and horses as a sign- no, better yet, take Communism- my gift to you.  I learned it first because my people were smarter, and we can’t even use it now since we discovered Free Speech and Emancipation (another reason we won’t start a war for no good reason- our people have a right to be indignant.  What would Athens’ Statue of Liberty signify if not the right for all free people to voice their objections to war?).  Really though, take these gifts and if you’re still mad, please tell us what we, the Eternal Greek Empire, now in it’s 6,000th year of existence, may do to make it up to you.

What’s that?  Really?  After two turns you want to do what?

YOU SON OF A BITCH!  I WILL TAKE OVER THE PLANET WITH 5 INFANTRY MEN AND A PLANE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, TOKUGAWA!  YOU NEVER TRUSTED ME!  IS THAT IT?!  WELL TRUST THIS: I’VE HAD SPIES IN EVERY ONE OF YOUR CITIES SINCE OUR FIRST TANGO, FUCKFACE!

STOP BUILDING SCHOOLS AND SPACESHIPS, GREECE!  IT’S ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR THE MILITARY!  LET THERE BE ONE RULER, ONE KING!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  MY BLOOD BOILS WITH THE ANTICIPATION OF YOUR DEATH, TOKUGAWA!

No more entreating, dog, by knees or parents.
I only wish my fury would compel me
To cut away your flesh and eat it raw
For what you’ve done.  No one can keep the dogs
Off of your head, not if they brought me ransom
Of ten or twenty times as much, or more! (Iliad, 22.345-50)

From Hardcasual correspondent Dan Wilbur.