[all quotation marks have been added by the editor.]

On Monday, March 1, 2010, Alan Wheat, a 27 year old “man” from Durham, North Carolina awoke to news that struck him to his core – the PlayStation Network was down, and even turning on his PlayStation 3 could cause dire consequences for his “progress” and his “trophies.” The “man” read the news carefully, once, twice, then a third time, hoping that there was some way he could find a way around it.

Since he lost his job in October, Wheat has spent most of his days with his PlayStation 3. He has “explored” alien worlds, “traveled” to far-off countries, and “met” a number of exciting characters. A few “care packages” from his parents have sustained him over these months, as his girlfriend left him in December, telling him to “get a life”.

“I was totally planning to “meet up with” Matt,” Mr. Wheat told us. “He and I were going to “hang out” and play the new Borderlands DLC “together” – I’ve been waiting for this for a while. But then the whole network went down, and how am I supposed to “connect” with him when I can’t even turn on my PS3?”

The “man” then went into a long description of his “Home” on his PlayStation, as well as his “friends” that he enjoyed to play various games with. His “Home” stood in stark contrast to his pizza-box-riddled hellhole, a sublet from a “friend of a friend,” neither of whom he’d seen in a span of at least six months.

“My “Home” is great – I’ve even got a lot of really cool “outfits” for “myself”. “People” make fun of it, but it’s “fun” to “relax” and “dance” with a few “interesting” “girls” online,” he told us.

The “man,” upon learning that the PlayStation Network would be down for the rest of the day, spent a few hours “reading” blogs, then settled down to a marathon of “films” from his days at “college.”

In a follow-up interview this morning, the “man” seemed “overjoyed” that the PlayStation Network had returned. He was glad to “see” his “friends” again, and to “have the chance” to “meet” “new friends” in his online “games”.