Last week, Tomonobu Itagaki – the man who created Dead or Alive and brought Ninja Gaiden into the 3D era – announced that he had reached a settlement with his previous employer, Tecmo.  Many of the settlement’s details remained unclear, but fans of the always-in-shades man seemed relieved.  Given the apparent completion to this scandal, many were perplexed when Itagaki called a “press conference” at a local bar earlier today.

“I’ve called you all here because it’s time I made a confession,” stated Itagaki from his barstool, “I know how hard you all love me, so I want to be completely honest.”

The meeting’s audience, which consisted of equal parts videogame press and young Japanese girls in bikinis, attempted to hush their confused chatter.  The room became quiet as Itagaki lit his thirteenth cigarette in as many minutes.

“As you are all aware, I’m pretty much a badass,” started a visibly inebriated Itagaki, “I make all these amazing videogames; I’m always smoking cigarettes…and to top it off, I never take off my dark, mysterious sunglasses that make me look like a member of Guitar Wolf.”

Itagaki grabbed another cocktail, lit another cigarette with an original Tecmo Bowl poster, and placed one black cowboy boot on a table.  “I’ve heard what you’ve all said,” he began, “I’ve read your theories; your ridiculous ideas as to what lies behind my totally awesome sunglasses.  So, I’m not sure if it’s the buzz from taking $1.42 million of Tecmo’s cash or this insanely expensive whiskey, but I’m going to show you all today.  Today…the glasses come off!”

Following Itagaki’s statement, several ninjas erupted from the walls of the bar as a fog machine accentuated the sudden rise of pumping techno music.  The bikini wearing girls immediately broke into a round of vigorous volleyball while Itagaki rose from a platform in the middle of the floor.  The press held their breath as Itagaki slowly raised his hands to his sunglasses.  Then, with dramatic flair, he ripped them off his face to reveal – another pair of sunglasses.

The entire room grew silent in disbelief.  “Yes,” Itagaki said, “Under my sunglasses awaits another pair of sunglasses!”  The crowd began to grumble, having a hard time believing their host’s words.  “Don’t believe me, huh?!”

Itagaki immediately grabbed a young journalist from his chair and screamed, “Go ahead! Take them off!”  The games blogger reached up and timidly removed Itagaki’s glasses.  The audience gasped in horror as another pair of sunglasses was waiting immediately underneath.

“Now you know,” said a somber Itagaki, “I have an extremely rare eye condition called Coreyhartitis.  It causes the sufferer to constantly spawn new sunglasses from their face – even at night.  That’s right; I even have to wear my sunglasses at night.  Just imagine what it’s like, watching you all weave and breath your storylines.  Many times, it’s hard to keep track of the visions in my eyes.”

The bar was quiet as Itagaki looked at the ground.  Then, from the back of the room, there was a faint clapping.  The sound grew louder as everyone turned to see the man who applauded the afflicted game developer.  Walking out from the smoky shadows, former Tecmo President Yoshimi Yasuda clapped loudly – a single tear running down his cheek.

The two men met in the center of the room and hesitated for a brief moment before embracing.  The bar exploded in applause.  Jerry Goldsmith’s Hoosiers theme swelled as the pair was lifted upon the cheering shoulders of ninjas and bikini girls alike.  But, before being carried off to create his next great videogame, Tomonobu Itagaki looked back to deliver one last message to his fans:

“Please continue your unwavering support for me and my awesome sunglasses!”

Further reporting by Hardcasual’s Matt Clark.