Well, as you’re all very aware, illegal immigration is a subject that I have taken on for a number of years now.  Our borders remain unsecured and it appears that our government is completely unwilling to address the problem.  Increased border patrols and high walls are ineffective in blocking the onslaught of aliens.  These freeloaders seek to rob honest Americans of high wage employment like fruit-picking or meat processing.

We stand at the brink of destruction, ladies and gentlemen.  Thankfully, a hero has finally arrived to save us from these wretched aliens – and that hero is the Predator.

While scouring the newswires this morning, I stumbled upon an article with a headline that read “Aliens vs. Predator”.  I yelled at my Hispanic housekeeper, Maria, to prepare my battle armor at once.  I had been training for this very moment for decades, but I had foolishly believed that the American populace would stand with me to preserve our way of life.  I would have never imagined the revolution would be led by a dreadlocked creature with infrared vision.

Anyone who doubts the incredible power of the Predator needs only to watch the excellent documentaries Predator and Predator II.  Both films show the Predator as an experienced hunter who will stop at nothing to eliminate his prey – much as I have lead the charge to save our streets from the scourge of hard-working Mexican immigrants.  Finally, my years of intense combat training will pay off.

Real Americans will gladly take to arms to support this epic struggle.  Still, there are some who will stop at nothing to prevent the Predator from making our country safe.  The state of California is governed by a man who clearly opposes the Predator agenda.  Everyone knows Governor Schwarzenegger is soft on immigration.  A lesser known fact is that Schwarzenegger seeks to eliminate our toothy hero.  We must, at all costs, keep Schwarzenegger from caking the bodies of border crossers in cold mud.

After my loyal gardener, Jorge, helped me strap on my titanium codpiece, I phoned fellow Predator supporter Danny Glover.  It’s understandable that Danny seemed confused – it’s been years since the Predator required his assistance.

“I…I don’t understand,” Danny said.  “There’s no time to think,” I told him, “I will join you at the meeting point.”

According to the article, the Aliens vs. Predator battle was to begin at a place called “GameStop”.  I found this fitting, as clearly the time has come to stop the games of illegal aliens.  I raced through town in my personal limo – only stopping once to enjoy a chorizo burrito from one of the many wonderful taco stands that dot the city.

So, I call out to you now, fellow patriots.  The time has come to save our country from the aliens.  The Predator will be a formidable foe to those who seek to earn an honest living washing our dishes – but he can’t do it alone.  Join me; join me in this epic struggle!  For today, when the glowing green blood of the Predator is spilled upon this battlefield, we shall truly know freedom!  Join me, brothers and sisters, here at GameStop.

I’ll be the guy in the battle armor, right behind the Guitar Hero display.

Additional reporting by Matt Clark.