Amidst a flurry of discussion of President Obama’s recent State of the Union address, news reached Hardcasual this morning that the President had, in fact, been kidnapped by ninjas.

While the President’s Day weekend promised to be a joyride for many Americans, who planned to finish Mass Effect 2, drink a metric assload of cheap beer, and completely ignore the Winter Olympics, a generation is now forced to ask themselves a serious question: are they bad enough dudes to rescue the President?

One  New York City local, Lindsay Calderbank, was quick to react. “I’m not a dude. And I’m not even all that bad. But I voted for Obama. Absentee, in North Carolina, where it really mattered. But I find the gender implications of the question more than a little troubling. I mean, what if there was a female president? Would we seek bitchy chicks? I mean, is that a double standard?”

Another man, Justin Wooten, told us, “I don’t see why the President was captured by ninjas, anyway. I mean, ninjas – that can’t exactly be the result of some international policy. There’s no country right now that’s keeping an army of ninjas. And if there’s a rogue group of ninjas out to fuck shit up – well, I’ll wait until I hear their demands before I decide which side I’m on.”

The world currently awaits to hear the answer, posed to one American at a time – “are you a bad enough dude to save the President?”. But there seems to be no clear one. One of the first to respond to the call was Joe Biden, the Vice President, whose delay in response was only momentary before he declared: “The nation needs a clear path from this point forward. And the President is probably going to get offed by those ninjas either way. Wait, was that too blunt? Strike that from the record. This whole conversation is off the record. I apologize for my recent statements. Fuck, where’s Rahm?”

Experts on recent President-kidnappings have suggested that the government seek at least two individuals, at least one of which has a “power punch”, and another who may or may not have learned the eastern technique of the “roundhouse kick”. But those on both sides of the aisle can agree that the journey may take them across slow-moving 18-wheelers, slow-moving trains, and perhaps even a oddly-containing city block.

Although the job seems near-impossible, the rewards are not to be sneered at: The government has promised a pepperoni pizza to the American heroes who act quickly to save our President.