I could go to work but it’s just that the commute is a real hike. Especially in the cold. No way is it more than 15 degrees outside and the office is all the way across town. By cab or subway that wouldn’t be so bad, but by foot across as Manhattan might as well be across the Mississippi.

Doodle Jump, on the other hand, is in my iPhone on my bed stand. How convenient, right?

Best possible outcome: I trudge all the way to the office and spend an hour in the bathroom — the small, single-person one up front — warming whatever I can fit of myself under that tiny tiny hand dryer.

Worst: I get hit by a snowplow and die. Actually, no, the worst possible scenario is I get hit by a snowplow, but don’t die. I fall into a comatose state. I wake up. It’s February – and it’s even colder! Furthermore, hospitals! Do you know how much those things cost? A small fortune.

Doodle Jump only cost me 99 cents!

Consider those reasons and some I haven’t said for the sake of our mutual sanity and I think we all can agree, the best possible choice for me is to stay home, fold myself into a comforter and play Doodle Jump. This is smart for three reasons: firstly Doodle Jump is really fun for me to play, secondly I won’t be murdered by a rogue plowman and thirdly my office’s electricity bill will be considerably cheaper without me taking refuge under the good bathroom’s hand dryer.

Oh, and fourthly, I won’t be holding up the good bathroom, so everyone else won’t be forced to choose between doing their business in the icky bathroom in the back with the toilet that smells like stale caramel corn or walking across the street to the bathroom at the ladies gym. Which is just humiliating to use, because the secretary stares at you when you walk in like some sort of transient caught between one ethereal plane and the next with nothing to do but let loose a massive shit. One she knows she’s totally going to clean up after, so she squints her eyes and snaps a mental picture of your face so she has something to hate.

It’s decided. I’m staying home. No cold. No hand dryer. No judgmental secretary. Just me, Doodle Jump and this busted heater…fuck.