Attention! Attention! Fleshlings of Earth are to prohibit bodily movement for the duration of the following announcement from our almighty, all-knowing and ill-being Imperial Lord Zargon.

..is this…how do I turn it on… it’s on…I see… Helllo?…Hel-hello?..

Here sir, let me just… Your Imperial Lord Zargon, everyone.

Good morning, fleshlings. And might I wish you good afternoon, good evening and good night. That is a line from The Truman Show, a popular film of which I hope reference to leaves you feeling both jovial and sedate.

Allll-righty then, moving forward. I speak at you today my little mortals with a new rule, one that if followed, shall maintain peace across the great galaxy you call The Milky Way and I call Sector P93893-AHC92-SJEN8.

*Electric bugle cue* This is the rule of Zarg. Let it be known and obeyed.

In response to the deviance of one bald space marine on board Aerospace Flight 432, all space marines will from here forward trim their hair no shorter than 6 inches.

*Electric bugle cue* That was the rule of Zarg. It will be known and obeyed. We will now field two questions from the fleshlings who won the raffle. Earthling 1?

First, Lord Zargon, let me thank you for being such a benevolent being. You are an excellent ambassador for your race of Ulgarian Mega Slugs. My question: as a balding space marine, what am I to do?

Excellent question polite, older male specimen. All balding space marines will here by be provided flowy, effeminate wigs. As we are a kind, generous race, the color will be of your choosing.

And Earthling 2, your question?

Yes. Lord Zargon. In regards to the new rule, what’s a buttfor?

A buttfor? I don’t know what’s a buttfor?

For pooping.

Ah-ha. I see. So even with long hair you space marines remain insubordinate. So be it. Elbragon, activate the deathray.

Wait! Lord Zargon, one last question. But this one’s for your senior adviser, Mr. Rotch. First name, Mike.

Mike Rotch. Can’t say I’ve heard of him. Does anyone know where to find Mike Crotch?  Come now, everyone stop laughing and get looking. I can’t activate this deathray until we find Mike Crotch.