In the interest of international peacekeeping and public safety, the UN has passed a law criminalizing the use of all weaponry in overseas espionage.  The creators of the new law hope to force those with a license to kill to develop more creative and safer strategies when it comes to terminating targets.

This is just one of several laws that, over several years, have restricted the use of force by double agents and nameless henchmen in snowsuits to limit collateral damage.  In a failed attempt to stop stray bullets from killing innocent bystanders in 1993, the UN forced all spies to only use “golden guns” to attack their once friends turned arch-enemies with the hopes of “limiting spray firing.”  These so-called golden guns proved too effective, however, leading to the incidental death of over a thousand innocent bystanders who were merely struck in the leg or hand by a cool-sounding ricochet.

The Russian Ambassador to the UN claims: “There was a time when one could trust a spy from another country to follow rules like ‘Only use remote mines this round’ or the failed ‘No shooting until I find a gun, please’ Law.  But, many countries have proved untrustworthy in these regards, and thus, the United Nations will strictly enforce the new ‘Slappers Only’ Law and not allow weapons of any sort to magically appear inside the relatively small bunkers where spies regularly engage in mortal combat with other spies.”

Other laws to help people differentiate spies from regular people may go into effect next year, including proposals like ‘The Large Head’ Treaty.

Early reports from inside the UN say if the Slappers Law fails, weapons will slowly be reintroduced to operatives, beginning with paintball guns.