Sonic the Hedgehog and An Entire South Island Nightclub, 1992
The world’s fastest hedgehog got himself in a lot of legal trouble and nearly lost a lucrative position as Sega Corporation’s new mascot after one ill-advised night out at Special Stage, an exclusive nightclub on South Island. Sonic – who was in the middle of a nasty divorce with his wife over allegations that he was sleeping with underage Sonic  co-star Amy Rose  – apparently had sexual intercourse with over thirty-seven women, all in the course of a half-hour. Though none of these women filed any charges – they themselves would have been charged with bestiality – the South Island Police Department managed to find the mischievous blue Lothario guilty of “reckless endangerment” and “speeding”. A month later, a visibly proud Sonic appeared in court for three seconds, where he was struck by the judge’s gavel and the coins were collected.

Zack and Bass Armstrong, 2003
In the early 00’s, things were coming up Zack. Hot on the heels of his successful run as a chief DoA fighter, Zack found a life-changing windfall in the mysterious treasure of an undead pharaoh. With a bottomless bank account, the fighter turned resort man with Zack Island, a tropical resort which played hot to his prurient bikini volleyball tournaments. The jig was up, however, when his fiancé, Nikki, found in their penthouse hot tub a naked Bass Armstrong. Zack, set to lose his fortune in the divorce, died en route to the first hearing in a freak meteorite accident.

Cortana and SHODAN, 2006
When YouTube went down for over eleven hours one November morning, many blamed a team of Russian hackers who had been talking about taking the site down for years. The real story turned out to be more bizarre, when spokesmen for the site revealed that they had been infiltrated by none other than Halo mainstay Cortana, who apparently had deleted massive amounts of data to cover up a relationship she had been having with SHODAN, the god-like A.I. from System Shock 1 and 2. Though publicly outed as a cyber-lesbian in the press, the courts allowed Master Chief’s best helmet pal to hold onto the incriminating evidence, which itself had been obtained illegally. Though Cortana and SHODAN parted ways soon after – she’s now dating GLaDOS – their relationship will forever be remembered as the one that took down an entire website.

Kratos and Lindsay Gouldstein, 2008
Long a symbol of masculinity, Kratos was the full package until flight attendant Lindsay Gouldstein spoke to OK Magazine about their three-month affair. Among the many juicy bits, the God of War’s less than godly jewels and sub-human stamina “He doesn’t know how to hold a women,” said Gouldstein. “He would tweak my nipples in half-circles and smash my [REDACTED] like some sort of button.” With his Sony contract shredded, the bald star first grew out his hair for a contestant role on Dancing with the Stars, then disappeared into obscurity. Early word says Kratos’ upcoming performance in Miramax’s Mr. Clean biopic – Clean as I Wanna Be — is Oscar worthy and could inflate his punctured career… but not his flacid ego.

Duke Nukem and Parker Posey, 1999
Professional asskicker and babe-saver Duke Nukem had a lot going for him in the summer of ‘99. He had four eponymous blockbuster titles under his belt and was about to release the biggest title of his career, Duke Nukem: Zero Hour on the Nintendo 64. That all changed when Entertainment Gaming Monthly released photos of the Nukester sipping tea with indie darling Parker Posie (Waiting for Guffman, The House of Yes) at a cafe in Chelsea wearing, get this, plaid flannel. Rumors began to spread that Nukem and Posie were, in fact, seven months into a serious relationship, and that Nukem planned to pop the question that winter. His credibility was forever ruined. The two called it off weeks later.