News Brief 12.11.09

Thursday, 04/29/10

While most gamers are all too familiar with the Super Mario Bros., few remember the enigmatic Fantastic Steve Cousins. Accompanied by his cousin, Ralph, Fantastic Steve led players on a magical journey through the Sausage Fiefdom. When the Mario Bros. soared to fame a few years later, Fantastic Steve sued the plumber for stealing his act. Unfortunately, Fantastic Steve was found dead before the trial began, leading to further speculation on Mario’s involvement with La Cosa Nostra.

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Monday, 04/5/10 – 1:29 am

Well, shit. We’ve got iPad fever. The thing may be the cure to everything that’s wrong with our lives, but we must remember our conflicted relationship with the iPhone. For one, it didn’t get us laid. Then, we lost our jobs because of DoodleJump. And third… wait, what’s this 40 minute long voicemail I just got from my dad?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Dante's Inferno

The first Dante’s Inferno demo hit PSN yesterday. To think it only took five years of tedious development to nail down a rigid videogame adaptation of Dante Alighieri’s Inferno, the first cantica of Divine Comedy. Bet it would have taken ten without a little help from Satan himself. Meanwhile, a righteous blogger asks, “How can EA make a Dante game without consulting me. Don’t they know it was the subject of my undergraduate English thesis? I am so smart!”

In front of the Apple Store
Everyone you know is trying not to make eye contact with you.

“We’re the #1 Source for Guitar Hero News!” says CNN, News Network

As we all know, niche is the new broad. FOX has the conservatives. MSNBC, the liberals. We need our corner of the market that will blindly obey our marching commands in exhange for content that meets their concrete personal beliefs. We high-up’s at CNN have spent countless, sleepless nights asking the big questions, namely ‘What demographic can make us the most money?’

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20 Things A Gamer Shouldn’t Say in Bed

10.) Achievement unlocked: “Virgin 2.0”

9.) Don’t you hate grinding.

8.) Shh! My raid can still hear us!

7.) How do I invert your Y-axis?

6.) I call it “Active reloading.”

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Dig Dug Digs Up Jimmy Hoffa

“It’s all part of the job,” Mr. Dig Dug said. “I’m finding shit down there all the time. Time capsules, pirate booty, spaceships – you name it, I’ve found it. I found a dinosaur once. It was alive.”

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