You can lock me in my bedroom now, Dad, but you can’t keep me in this house forever. Because I’m a grown up. I’m 18. And just because you catch me drinking in the basement with Lisa – my girlfriend – doesn’t give you the right to ground me. I can take care of myself. And pretty soon, I will.

Listen up, Dad.

I’m going to Afghanistan. In a video game. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Because my country needs me to play this game so I can fight in a real war one day when I’m angry or just really strapped for cash.

Do you hear me? I know you’re right outside my door.

I know what you think. That fighting in Afghanistan in a video game is a complex something and I don’t get it; that I’m not mature enough. But you’re wrong. Mature games are for people 17+ and I’m 18. Do you hear me? That’s mature enough by a whole year!

I know something about Afghanistan and warfare.

What are the rules of engagement? Um, like headshots are one hit kills. Same with melee attacks. Remember spawn points and camping is for pussies.

Afhganistan? It’s rocky. And the bad guys wear berets and checkered scarves  and menacing aviator shades. I’m not a noob to this stuff, Dad.

Now let me ask you question. 9/11. Ever heard of it? Because it happened. And all the people that planned 9/11, they lived in Afghanistan for awhile and then they moved to Iraq but now they’re back in Afghanistan. And if I do really well killing them in this video game just imagine what I could do in real life. I could single-handedly avenge every death on American soil. I mean, have you seen my kill/death ratio?

Hey, hey hey – don’t cry, Dad. I don’t want you upset. It’s just, I know you think I’m a screw up. And maybe you’re right. But you deserve to know it’s not your fault I struggle so much with school. Class is just…it’s just so boring. And long. And it’s like, what’s this ever going to do for me in the real world? Playing all these video games, they’re training me for something big. Something I understand sort of.

I know it’s possible that I’ll die in Afghanistan in a video game. And that my stats will get really low and that the real army won’t want to recruit me and that then I won’t have enough money to buy Lisa all the stuff she wants and that she’ll like probably leave me, but what else do I have?  Where else can a high school drop out go? Culinary school? Oh Dad, if only I’d played Cooking Mama.